Deja Vu

This has happened before.
The same old story goes here, but the excuses improve day by day. Yesterday's excuse (as told by the embassy) was that they ran out of stamps. I knew it I knew it, I expected it, and it has been dead silent today, when I am desperate to hear from them. I could see the funny side of it yesterday, but the situation is very annoying today. How many can live with uncertainty, not knowing what is going to happen, and when. I am running out of money, fast, and not keen on staying in London even one more day.
My bedtime was early as usual yesterday evening, and it did not end until 9am this morning. A small wave of relief came upon me when I heard I MAY BE ABLE to fly to my desert destination on Saturday. Once I got up, the doubt returned.. that I am not going anywhere, not Saturday, it is all talk, no action there and worst thing is that I cannot do anything to help the situation.
It is cold here, all we miss is the snow. White Christmas- perhaps in Finland, the land of Santa Claus!

Waves in the sea

I have discovered Daniel Silva's books and have read three of them; Death in Vienna was fab, the best of them so far.
Still waiting... flight tickets booked, ready to go, but where in the HELL is my passport? At the embassy, probably in the secondary rubbish pile, where all non-urgent items go. Including my non-important visa application.
I am just going to say this once: Please give me back my passport right now TODAY. It is obvious that someone or something has not bothered with their homework (moi?, non, impossible...).
On Wednesday Dec 20 I will check out of the hotel, and God knows where I will be sleeping then. Green Park sounds like a very good option that I will keep in my mind. The whole situation is like a galloping horse that no one can control. This has made me very very angry INDEED and when I get angry, I get sad and tearful too. What to do, where to go?
It is so freezing cold in London. All I want to do is curl up and stay in bed and not face the world, not today.
Any suggestions? Worst case scenario? Hmmmmm... there isn't one.
Do I have any friends left?

I'm FREEEEEE

It is just a realization of this morning that I am free.
Free to forgive, forget, free to be humble, assertive, kind, compassionate, judgmental. Instead of just thinking of myself and MY needs, it's been exciting and uplifting to notice that there are others, who need certain things more than I do. My attachment to material world has been a hard habit to break, but I have successfully donated a lot of my belongings to people who need them more than I do. At least I'd like to think so.
On my daily walk I walked through Hyde Park, Green Park and St James' Park. The wildlife is most exciting part, and the vast open spaces, like the lungs of London. I also saw one of the most beautiful sunrises that colored the sky red, pink and orange. The parks are an incredibly beautiful and essential part of London. There were many summer days that were spent in the park in good company; picnics, sunbathing, ice cream..
I am still waiting for the confirmation of the departure date- whether it is Dec 20 or later (or earlier..?!), it is undecided. The prospect of spending Christmas alone here is terrifying me, but if that is what I have asked, then universe will provide it. But secretly I will be thinking 'WHAT A JOKE' if that happens. My life, my mind, my thoughts- what can I do? The answer is let the thoughts go, give them a vacation, permission to stay in the background but do not listen to them. I am going to the movies, to the London Zoo, to sell my Tag Heuer watch, to enjoy my last days in London.
All is forgiven.

Uneventful events

The amount of luggage I have is incredible. I am supposed to get an excess luggage voucher worth 50kg but not an extra kilogram on the top, which is good, otherwise more and more stuff would pile up.

This morning I went for breakfast in the hotel where I am staying (here's hoping it is a temporary stay) and one of the waitressess bumped into me. No of us were carrying plates full of food or drinks or anything else, I was speechless! She was looking straight ahead, and I am not exactly a small person, so can't believe how she missed me. OOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. At least she said sorry.
During the first night at the hotel, there was a group of noisy schoolchildren, some of them teenagers. The noise, screaming and shouting went on all night. I'm not sure I slept at all, and those moments of sleep I caught were very brief. I mentioned about this at the reception in the following morning, all I got was an apology and explanation that the teacher responsible of the group had told them to be quiet..#
I'll be moving to another hotel tomorrow.. Report back from there then..

I m off for a walk in Hyde Park. Can't believe days are numbered, just five more days in London and God willing I will be on my way to Dhahran, KSA next Wednesday.

Leaving

If all goes well, I'll be gone next Wed 20 december. Well, let's hope so. Saudi Arabia here I come.
I moved out of the house of pain, it turned out that my food had indeed been eaten by Mrs B. Long live the neighors. Perhaps she would like to return to the jungle, the little shed she came from in Latin America. Never mind, I am no angel either, this kind of problem can be forgotten and eventually forgiven (no better moment than the present moment, so it IS forgiven, I have no energy for time-consuming issues like this). Another housemate of mine said that Mrs B had thought it was all 'their' food. Ok. The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, so are the other fridge and kitchen cupboards- isn't it the human nature that one goes and has a look into housemates property? In seach for enlightment, bombs, potential fire hazards.. Well, any of the above really.

Speaking about forgiveness... more to follow, as I begin my work on this. God,life looks so much brighter when certain issues have been resolved, at least the anger is dissolving.

There is a enormous police investigation in Suffolk, England, where a serial killer(s) has been striking five times now, and killing prostitutes. Poor women. Rest in peace. My prayer is that this killer/killers are found, and that their souls will not find peace that easily. This is like a Patricia Cornwell book turned into reality, shocking.

15 December

Finally some good news; 15th of December may be the day when I fly out to Saudi Arabia. It is just a question of waiting for that date, enjoying the remaining days in London (in a windy, rainy atmosphere!). Some sightseeing might be a good idea, I cannot claim I have seen it all yet. HMS Belfast, Tower of London, the Houses of Parliament.
On Tuesday dec 12 I will be moving out of the house, that I have called 'home' since Dec 10 2005. That is almost a record breaker, that I allowed myself to settle in for a year. No doubt the best area in London, I have always been fond of SE London, but this time my departure is final. Return..? Over my dead body. It wasn't all torture and pain, many many moments of happiness. Those moments will stay with me, the rest is all forgiven and forgotten.
I will miss the people- those who made my stay worthwhile, brought a smile into my face, were there for me when I needed help. I am glad our paths crossed.

Independence Day

It is the 6th of December, the independence of day of Finland. Congratulations, mabrook, onnittelut.
As for me, back at the old Internet cafe, life carries on. I'm back on the yoga mat again. Slowly does it, this time I do not want any injuries or the newly found motivation to run away.

Live and let live

Monday morning.. it is sunny, somewhat windy for a change. Checking my e-mails here in an internet cafe in central London. There is no sign of that hopeful e-mail giving me the news that the work visa is here, no date when I could possibly be traveling. Nothing. No bad news either.
I'd like to go to the movies, but I have already seen the latest films, the ones that I wanted to see.

My mood is no longer as dark as it was yesterday, it is more contemplative.

Give me a date when I can travel to Saudi Arabia, or tell me it will not be for a while (=weeks, months, years..????)
I have been blessed never to have to experience hunger, have never had a day without a meal. Always had a roof over my head. Blessed! The prospect of running out of money or not finding a place to stay, that does scare me. All I need to do now is go home, call work, ask them if any work is available tomorrow.. and the rest of the week.

Noisy b***d

One of those fun-filled days at work, and this time I mean it. My shift was at the ER and I enjoyed it. Still, as I know that this is not going to last forever I can handle it, but my steps were heavy in the morning and with great reluctance I took the train and went to work. In the course of my 12 hour shift I realized it was not so bad at all, not that busy, I could complete my work too. It was a day that I enjoyed. The minutes, hours passed- I had met an interesting bunch of people, both staff and patients, who once again have taught me a lot. Some positive attitude, being grateful and tiny bit happier than I was when I began my day.
Once again then at home it all crashed down; I had two hours or so of peace and quiet, but then my 'drug dealer' housemate came home, decided to play latino music in full volume, and that did the trick. In the other hand, she probably did not realize no one was at home, but it was 11pm and the walls are not made of bricks and cement. Cardboard walls you idiot! Consider this.
I paid a visit to the restroom, considering whether I need to confront the junkie.. then decided against it and swallowed a Valium 5mg and picked up the earplugs. What a stormy night, not just this sudden latino music night, but the weather! Gale force winds on the coast, some of them reached London too, I woke up in the early hours of the morning, had to shut the window and sleep. My sleep was troubled by violent nightmares- and yet another headache in the morning. The new day dawned, I awoke to sunshine and the sound of wind and bad taste in my mouth.. and the feeling of hunger. But, WHO has eaten my porridge???!! Mandarins and turkey ham slices were missing. The 1st thought that crossed my mind was that I have been sleepwalking and eaten them myself. Or perhaps I have forgotten that I had them for lunch the day before. Or.. what's the alternative thought? Once upon a time when the 'junkie' used to live in our house, the official role of hers being another housemate's wife (NB she was not employed as 'a drug abuser or a thief' as far as I know), she practiced the fine art of stealing food. Her previously nice sexy curvy frame became size 20 UK size, lard and fat, not much muscle there. Now that my food begins to disappear again, I am unsure whether to report it to the police or just at the Tesco noticeboard. Either way, what goes around comes around.
This incident nearly made me jump off the cliff. I began to ponder- in a kind of crossword style, the words 'anger', 'hatred', 'evil', killer', dominating it. Is a human being capable of growing his anger into such dimension that their world could be destroyed for the entire time they still have on this planet? How are Hannibal Lecters and Ted Bundys and Myra Hindleys shaped that they became the way they have are today? I have seen and experienced war, violence and hatred, and that is never the way to go. I read the following sentence "When you take someone by the hand, you must let your head fall before you let that hand drop." If I am not wrong this was said by the beloved Yogiji Siri Singh Sahib. He also said "If you don't see God in all, you cannot see God at all".
Hate and anger and violence are never the way to go, but is love so long-reaching that one can love each and every human being and animal in this world? I know I need to explore my feelings regarding this housemate.. Maybe my departure is delayed for this reason, that I need to deal with this issue before leaving..
The fact that I have just 9 days to deal with whatever needs to be dealt with- Dec 12 DeAdLiNe is approaching and I will be Homeless. No permanent address, no broadband access..

Rainy windy cloudy London

I was standing at the bus stop and the wind got so strong that my hair was flying all over the place. Not to worry, my hairstyle did not suffer- I have no hairstyle of any kind :)


Had to take my laptop for repair yesterday (I was told it is 'corrupted'). Yes, it could very well be. It does not switch on or off, has a stubborn mind of its own. Now I will end up losing most of the data, but as long as Fujitsu returns home safely tucked in his bag, I am happy.
The repair may take up to 2 weeks.

I will be homeless from the 12th of December.
My options are: sleep under a bridge, stay in a budget hotel (earplugs..), stay homeless, sell my jewellery, continue working as often as I can, go back home and couch surf at my brother's place.. None of those are tempting, I don't actually like my temp work, but there is nothing else I can do.. I think.

Still not work visa.. I wonder who is hiding and withholding information? I certainly feel like I have fallen off the wagon and don't really know what is happening and what has already happened.

Once the title of one of these postings changes, e.g. ' Sunshine', 'Desert' etc, then only you can be reassured I have reached my destination.