Keep ur hands off my stuff

One day at work I had a peek in to the recycling bin and surprise, surprise discovered my glass. First I thought it must have broken, that's why it was in there. But no, it was as intact as it ever had been and I knew someone (always that SOMEONE) had placed it in the bottom of the bin. My drinking glass, the only one I had left. There were three similar glasses, same design, but two of them had broken long time ago. So it's just "a glass", but it's mine and it may have sentimental value. So don't touch my stuff, simply don't. Yeah, tell me about it. Someone must have panicked for whatever reason and poor glass (my bloody glass!) somehow landed in the recycling. It is a mystery. Kind of.
I could share numerous stories about disappearing milk etc too, but it would be kind of boring. That refrigerator in the office kitchen would have more stories to tell for sure.
Just don't throw my property into recycling guys. Please.

Kwabs - Walk (Official Video)

Few more days

2014 has almost gone, another year gone and I am left wondering how days and weeks pass by like this. Question is have I really lived and been aware of each passing moment? Kundalini Yoga and meditation used to return me back on the ground, make me more self-aware and live in the moment. I can't say that I've been 100% fully aware of the days and weeks of 2014. Some days are more intense and require 100% presence. Some are not. My horse has taught me to be present. If my thoughts and mind drift away while I am riding, the horse knows this right away and uses this to her advantage. I thought I am riding a 20m circle, but it turns out to be a 10m oval shaped circle. Then I wonder what the hell happened. Oh yeah. I was once again in another time and space continuum.
One of my favorite restaurants, where I used to go for dates with this guy, is closing soon. Well, perhaps not so soon, but my mind has convinced me it could be any time soon. Next week. In reality it will probably close sometime mid 2015. It's a real shame, because this restaurant has been around for many years and has served some real delicious dinners there, along with some good memories of that awesome guy. Time is an illusion they say, and it seems as if I was just having dinner with him yesterday when in fact it was few years ago now.
Change is inevitable, no matter how hard I resist. When I was having breakfast this morning, I thought it's best to just let go and let God deal with this.
2015 brings new opportunities again. Each breath, each day is precious.

Frostrósir (loga á ný)

Supersized insults

Person S: "Where you've been?"
Me: "On sick leave. I had hysterectomy."
Person S: "Oh reallyyyyy? And did you have abortion as well...?"
Me: "Hmmmm. What ?!? But yeah, for your information, yes I did have hysterectomy."

"S" stands for STUPID.

Selected few lines here"
"Hey why are you so big?"
"Hey have you ever seen how big your backside is?"
"Madam, you are too fat."
"You are a weirdo."
"You have a weird haircut."

I believe there are more, way too many to list here. Some people have made it their mission to insult others, some insults are worse than others, but that "abortion" is just over the top. C'mon! Watch what you say, because this shit was total garbage. Rest assured, that person, who said it, will have their own battle one day. Naming and shaming would be awesome, but this is not the time or place.

Insults

Some people are just incredible. They don't even know you, yet they feel it's their birthright to make comments about your appearance, weight, BMI ratio, make-up (or lack of), clothes, how you walk and talk. Insults fly from one corner to another and there is always like-minded person, who joins in. I know a girl, who was told she is fat and next day she stopped eating. She actually had a very athletic body, it was just the scale and the person, who operated the scale that caused this huge misunderstanding. Three or four months later there was nothing much of this previously healthy and happy girl. She lost all muscle mass, that tiny bit of fat she still had had, and turned into an anorectic skeleton. The scale operator had no words, when she saw the girl that time. Thank God the girl still had it in her and she told the stupid scale operator AKA school nurse that she was the one to blame for the massive weight loss. Few careless words was all it took.
Well that girl definitely was not me, because I have no willpower to stop eating and I'd not want to, because I love my food. I've also been told numerous times about my size and shape, even thought I fit in majority of 12-14 clothes. Too small, too tall, too heavy, too whatever. There is always someone ready to criticize, you can count on that. There is always a comeback too: I pull my "cancer card" out and tell them to get a life, or get cancer like I once did. Did you just undergo a major operation? Hell yeah. Were you bullied at school? I was. Were you bullied at work? Yes. Are you a cancer survivor? Yes. Can you ignore those insults and let them fly over your head into God only knows where? Absolutely. I can.
I try to avoid making assumptions about people's IQ, their manners and nature related to their outer appearance. It's just not something that correlates very well. You never know what is happening in that person's life right there and then. One insult from your mouth can be the one that destroys that person's life. If it does, shame on you and all of us, who let that happen. Animals don't do this, why do humans have to?
Of course I have insulted people in various ways. I've been rude, annoying, in a bad mood, depressed, non-talkative. I've said multiple wrong words and then was left wondering where I went wrong. Instant feedback such as kick in the butt would do it, then I would know when I have flown off the handle. I don't go out on purpose looking at people, wondering if I consider them normal or fat or too skinny.
I definitely have called people idiots or stupid and something even worse. Straight into their faces, if it was very very necessary and would have possibly saved my life. Or something as serious as that. In traffic, when someone drives like a maniac I think it is well justified if one wants to shout abuse as long as they don't take it out in the open.
It's difficult to take words back once they have been said, so I tend to keep my mouth shut. It will never cease to amaze me how insulting others is like a daily bread for some. That's when it's good to remember the centuries old adage: "What goes around, comes around".

Iceland revisited

More hazards...

I thought I'd not have to bring up traffic issues, driving behaviors etc anymore, but how wrong I was. It's disgusting how people drive. Not everyone, some are brilliant drivers. This time it's just from the point of view of someone, who walks every day.
I walk 4-5km, takes me less than an hour in an ideal world. Would it not be those speeding cars and those, who feel there is no need to use the signal, so that others have to keep on guessing where this person and his massive SUV are about to turn. Even pedestrian crossings don't help in saving poor walker's life. When I first started walking again after the operation, I found a route around the block, on the sidewalk and there was no need to cross the road. I was safe.. so I thought anyway. A so-called taxi service car tried to kill me on one of those crosswalks today. I could not read the driver AKA idiot's mind and he was about to turn right, when I was in the middle of the road. Just inches to spare. I saw his face, but did not get the license plate number. Another vehicle full of "employees" of some company signaled right, but because I was already on my way and crossing the road, couple of steps short of the sidewalk, I thought I could just carry on. These guys in their old crappy pick-up take the turn on two wheels and almost roll over. Slowing down would have been the best option. Well, that;'s just my opinion.

Then I realized I can walk further and further each day. Mistake. Multiply these incidents I described above by three, and you get the picture: no one wants to slow down. That makes me want to scream and take a photo of the offending vehicle+driver. Yeah and call the police.

Another thing: headlights. I don't know how this is related to color of the car, but it seems the darker the color, the less likelihood that the headlights are on. It must be an awful challenge to switch those lights on or not knowing where/how to switch the lights on. Ask your neighbor.

These are the reasons that adds up to 15 minutes to my walk, but each time I am glad I am back home in one piece. It's definitely a worry now that days get darker so soon, but drivers don't realize there are few things for them to do. People, who walk outside, will have to think about their safety very carefully. Be visible in traffic and practice defensive walking. I guess those who run, can get out of the way much faster.

After hysterectomy

I begin to remember some events from the hospital, from under the cloud of mind altering substances.
- Time was slipping by.
- Some people came to see me. I guess I said I was ok. Ok all the time.
- Bumped into two doctors I know in the corridor. I was still under influence and can't remember what I said in response to unsaid questions of "how are you" and "what an earth happened to you".
- Friend of mine brought me flowers and chocolate. I don't remember a word I said to her. 
I hope I said "thank you" at least.
- In the following morning I was asked to sit down on the chair next to my bed. I was in no mood for debate, and said NO. This was infuriating. Not with Foley catheter and that damn pack still in place. Nurse with good intentions and negotiation skills disappeared into thin air. I think I took another dose of MSO4 wishing to sleep.
- Injection of Enoxaparin: by now lesson had been learned and no one engaged into deeper conversation with me. Injection was destined to land in my thigh, not anywhere near abdomen. Because I said so.
- Pain management nurse and her entourage appeared from nowhere later in the morning. A member of entourage asked me what book I was reading, what language was it. Icelandic dude.
- The very best moment was when I went home. I can't remember how I got in to my friend's car (walked, yes, I think I did) and how we got back to my house, but we made it in one piece.

Piece of cake, I think now, because time has passed and memories fade. It was not easy, fun, comfortable. It was bearable, because of painkillers. They kept coming, I did not have to ask. Two days in hospital was not bad, and I spent the first day laying in bed anyway in various states of consciousness. Not something I want to repeat any time soon. Life as patient in hospital is not life. It's a miserable existence

Iceland again

Hysterectomy survival guide 1 1/2

Ouch.
Things are going uphill right now and I would say try to get out of hospital as soon as you can. Healing happens at home.
Healing does not happen, if you try to do too much. Listen to the advice of your doctor, he/she did not give them for no reason. On some days it has been a struggle to stop myself from driving and going shopping. Then I remember I should not be carrying much, so there is no point going anywhere. This is the time to depend on other people and not refuse any help. If someone wants to take you grocery shopping, go and say thank you.
If you have no one at home, then it is vital you have friend/neighbor or someone to come in case of an emergency.
Things I wish I had known before hysterectomy: Food. Preparing meals beforehand is a fab idea, but what if those meals aren't what you want after operation. You can't just grab a heavy saucepan and prepare something you want. Solution is enlist help of your family/friends, who are probably more than willing cook for you. My appetite was not the same at all and I had to force something down. Something that contains a lot of fiber is good, Drink plenty of water too.
Medications. They will probably give you painkiller (a must!), laxative (another must) and something else to take home from hospital. So there I was, with five glass bottles of laxatives. Heavy load to carry for my poor friend, who took me home. Take the meds. I had so much trouble with bowel function for days and days, even though I took laxatives as prescribed. Never mind the yucky sweet taste of Lactulose. Finally, day 3 or 4, combination of oatmeal, lots of water, prunes, peppermint tea and yucky laxative liquid, something began to happen. Bowel function is still not back to normal and I am having to take laxatives every second day now and hope for the best. Another thing is a reminder about painkillers; take them. Do NOT be in pain. Pain makes you miserable, frustrated and slows down the healing process. It also makes you want to break stuff. Pain is lethal and it should not exist. Pain simply sucks. But don't be afraid of pain. All I got from hospital was Tramadol (which I did not really need, but it was nice as back-up option) and Ibuprofen, which I took. Then ended up taking just Panadol 500mg twice or three times daily. In hospital pain was treated with Morphine, which was totally awesome, but made me itch.
Sleep. In the early days sleep as much as you need. Other stuff can wait. If you can't sleep, wait until you can or take sleeping tablet. I took some in hospital, and that tiny little tablet helped a great deal. Nothing wrong in taking one to help you sleep. Sleep during the day too, in-between activities. Prepare for some weird dreams too, as you begin healing. I've had few and woke up feeling great.. until it was time to really get up.
Peer support. I did not know anyone, who had had exactly the same operation, so I could not really get any information. What's the pain like, is there any pain at all. What can I do at home?  What can I eat to heal better? When can I start sport activities? There are thank God a couple of nice support groups in the Internet and you can join at least one of them free. Keep searching. Google will help.
Other worries. I've had so many that I've lost count. Crying, being frustrated and angry that I am too tired of doing what I want, my usual daily activities. I've been worried about sneezing, coughing, spotting, pain, sleep, exercise, follow-up appointment and I got practically no information about these. I was a bit spaced out in hospital so I don't remember much, even if someone had explained these things to me. Booklet, A4 paper, whatever would have been awesome, but I don't remember reading anything. I was told to show up for my follow-up appointment, in about 6 weeks or so. Try explaining this to patients, who've just come out of anesthesia and are on narcotic meds. Try.

When I overcame pain, bowel issues and fatigue, I found that there are actually things I can do around the house. Just inside the house really, apart from short walks outside. I've been reading a lot, watched TV each and every day, slept in, ate something nice every day (yes, ice cream, chocolate and stuff like that and sometimes not at all in moderation). I've caught up with lots of nice movies and series I have wanted to see for a long time. "The Lone Ranger", "Purge", "Midnight in Paris", "Over The Hedge", "The Leftovers", "Supernatural", Top Gear UK" etc. List goes on and on. I found that I can't sit for a very long periods of time, but it's best to sit and lay down on the sofa. And walk of course...
Walks outside have been great in many ways. They keep me connected to outside world and when I take the dog with me, people sometimes stop for a chat. The Dog was a concern at the beginning; would he walk ok without pulling me on the ground. Once I had to release him, because he got overly excited about scent somewhere and decided to attempt new 100 meter world record. I let him go, thought I'd not take a chance with my internal incision. Usually I just ask him to wait, and repeat this several times, then he knows he has to wait and he knows I can't walk as fast as I did once. What's the point overdoing it and walking fast anyway? I'd not want to miss all the scenery and people.
If and when I overdo it, I get spotting and feel a bit like an inflated balloon.

I have the best days when I get to sleep at night. Then I don't need to take a nap during days anymore. This is Day 12 after my operation and I am doing reasonably well, but trying to be compliant with all instructions (which I did not really get or just did not retain the info) drives me crazy.

Bottomline is that hysterectomy is one of the major surgeries. Do it, if you have no other choice and I'm really talking about elective surgery, like me was. If you have time in your hands before surgery, try to eat well and exercise, you'll be in a better shape during and after surgery. I had laparoscopic gallbladder removal in 2008, diagnosis was delayed (chest pain, heart attack..?), I was on IV antibiotics and was in horrible pain and days prior to the operation. Finally I had to beg these peeps to operate or I'd run away from hospital. That was something. Crap! Compared to gallbladder experience, this surgery was really quite easy on me. I'd not have said something like this week ago, but goes to show things change, onions change, time passes and human mind forgets.
Huge reward, if everything goes fine, is saying good bye to prolapse, fibroids, heavy periods etc.

Sick leave is meant for recovering, not for big renovation project in the house. It's meant for thinking, sleeping, resting, reading, watching TV, surfing the Internet, updating your blog or starting one, eating and taking your meds. You'll get there, eventually, just like I did.

More to come...

Iceland II

Hysterectomy survival guide

When I first heard I'd have to undergo vaginal hysterectomy, I thought OMG, run away as fast as you can. But it was either that or keep suffering. Fibroids and heavy bleeds never let my anemia heal, and on top of all I was also diagnosed to have uterine prolapse (yea, where did that come from...?). We tried hormonal IUCD, which may have controlled the bleeds, we'll never know, because the IUCD was floating in the toilet bowl one morning. I'm glad I did not flush as I'd have normally done. So I fished it out, packed in plastic bag and showed it to ob-gyn next time. His facial expression was priceless. That's when I knew I'd have my hysterectomy. Previous radioactive iodine treatments messed up my periods and fibroids only added onto that. It was quite a remarkable, but annoying situation.
Days leading to the hysterectomy were very hard for me. I spent two weeks traveling prior to the surgery, in hindsight this was one of the best things I could have done so the surgery did not consume all my thoughts all day long. It still did. One moment I was happy, next moment crying and feeling desperate and convinced I would not survive.. I am known to search for all sorts of information in the internet and this time I did exactly the same. Some information in reasonable amounts is good, too much is just too much and can do more harm than good. My mind is specialized in creating scenarios of horror and pain of Lovenox injections, various kinds of catheters, packs, needles etc. That's why I should be stopped,  but no one can. It took every ounce of my strength to calm myself down and trust that I would be ok.

It was only when I left for the hospital on the day of surgery, when I felt calm, reasonably calm at least and I thought things will now happen the way they are meant to happen, it is inevitable. I asked for sedation prior to going to operating room and I was given some, so I can't remember a lot what went on after that. I remember I was talking to the anesthetist and was suddenly covered up in sweat and felt dizzy. I don't know if she noticed. When I woke up, I was not in agony, not in an awful lot of pain and patient controlled analgesia was provided. Sweet Morphine. It took the pain away, but gave a very generous overall itching sensation and then I had to have Benadryl for that. Pain was never really an issue, neither was Foley catheter or vaginal pack. I was told to get out of the bed, but with the packing and Foley still in place I said "No bloody way" and waited until pack was out. It was really just a weird sensation, when the Foley and the pack were removed, it did not hurt. I wasn't constantly aware that those two foreign bodies were inside either. Much better of course when they were out. Had I thought more about foreign bodies and persona non grata, I would have been reminded of someone...

"May I enter?" The person did not wait for an answer, just barged in. I closed my eyes tightly and pretended I was asleep. Wrapped myself in a blanket too.  No permission granted anyway, so please leave. Out! Success! She left.
Next time the same person tried and succeeded in entering the room with a group of people, but once again I pretended to be asleep and refrained from making nasty comments about hospital breakfast (eggs!).  Third time came and I was not so lucky. I heard the foot steps and by then it was too late. She was next to me asking how I feel, if I am ok, if I am painfree etc and blaah blaah blaah etc. I couldn't even pretend I was pleased to see her and gave some answers in monosyllables. I was standing in the middle of the corridor talking to someone else, so yes of course that was the perfect place for ambush and interruption of conversation with the other person. I think the person realized she would not get that usual welcome with banners and open arms and all, so she left. But not before giving us all knowing opinion that I would still be in hospital for "several" days.
Hahaaaa and did I enjoy proving her wrong. I was gone the next day. What a joy. I was also told she was going to arrange a "private room" for me. Dude, no thanks, I am happy to stay where I am. Sharing a hospital room is perfectly fine. Besides what became of her attempts. Nothing. Nil. Nada. Zero. No one came and asked me to move into a "private room". What a ....

I am at home now, not really sure if this is the way I should be feeling. Quite comfortable. Not a lot of bleeding. No pain. Just wondering if I can comply with post-op instructions, which I can barely remember, because of anesthesia effects still lingering around in my brain. No driving for 6 weeks? No riding for 6 weeks? No sex for 6 weeks? No cleaning of house for 6 weeks? No carrying heavy shopping for 6 weeks? No, I was not told of all this, but a research minded person can always find a way. I particularly like the fact that no heavy household work is allowed. I also like the fact that I will need to take some time off work too. I don't like the fact that I can't drive. But I can walk. Walking is good for you kemosabe.

Iceland

Heading home

Having to return home from my travels is extremely difficult at this time. On those few occasions when I remember life at "home" I think that's all fake and plastic. Not real in any way anymore. Where I am now, in Reykjavik, Iceland is very real to me. This time is my 3rd visit in Iceland and it just gets better and better. Awesome scenery, mountains, valleys, food, company, horses, culture,  fresh air, Icelandic wool, hidden people. When I went riding with Islenski Hesturinn http://islenskihesturinn.is I noticed there were moments of total silence, and yet we were so close to Reykjavik. Silence is golden, they say and it really is.
I have done so much, each day has been fun filled and sometimes very very slow. It is as if the time stood still. When I was riding for six hours, it felt much longer than that. When I was sitting and watching the ships and people in the Reykjavik old harbor yesterday, again it felt like it was midday all the time. Another riding trip was fast paced, but it took for a long time to reach the waterfall and return to the stable. I watch the rain, see the people walking along Laugavegur and enjoy every breath I take. I have not heard much about the volcano that is supposedly erupting in the other part of the country. Yes, I guess it is erupting as we speak. I love going to supermarket and see all fresh produce. It's great to get out of the hotel in the morning and jumping onto tour bus. Or horseback. I have not had mornings, when it feel reluctant to get up. I have slept well, my skin has cleared up and I feel great.. Well, apart from sore legs from riding and walking long distances.
I have met some really nice people too... Nice probably is an understatement. Everyone from bus driver to tour guide and that lady in neighborhood little supermarket are friendly. It seems like everyone has been given their space and room for being who they really are. They are clearly fun loving, tough, original, approachable and  awesome. They are polite, and listen quite patiently at my attempts to communicate in Icelandic. I end up mixing English, Swedish and Icelandic, but it works. I'm quite happy if I can provide some entertainment!

Still I find myself packing my bags, checking in for my flight and heading "home", wherever home is. Where the heart is...? I would come back next week, next month, any time. I am truly sad to be leaving, but will be thinking of that first opportunity to pack my bags and come back again, soon. 

La vida, única y preciosa

Recuerdo soy amiga, hermana, tía, hija, colega, viajero. 

A veces no sé quién o qué soy. Estoy perdido, deprimido,insuficiente,infeliz, difícil.  

Hay días buenos, más de malos días. Tenemos una preciosa vida.

C'est beau!!

"I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier
I'm gonna live like tomorrow doesn't exist
Like it doesn't exist
I'm gonna fly like a bird through the night, feel my tears as they dry
I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier

But I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down, won't open my eyes
Keep my glass full until morning light, 'cause I'm just holding on for tonight."

- Sia: Chandelier 

I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier
I'm gonna live like tomorrow doesn't exist
Like it doesn't exist
I'm gonna fly like a bird through the night, feel my tears as they dry
I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier

And I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down won't open my eyes
Keep my glass full until morning light, 'cause I'm just holding on for tonight
I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier
I'm gonna live like tomorrow doesn't exist
Like it doesn't exist
I'm gonna fly like a bird through the night, feel my tears as they dry
I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier

And I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down won't open my eyes
Keep my glass full until morning light, 'cause I'm just holding on for tonight

Crossed lines- priceless

Person A: "You remember there was something I asked you to do so have you done it?"
Person B: " Hmmmph what...?" Person B's eyes become a size of saucer.
Person A: "Well did you arrange that event we discussed. Or not. What?"
Person B: "Me and my fluffy memory man. I can't recall that conversation at all. What are ya talking about?"
Person A: "That event. You know."
Person B: " Well I don't really know."
Person A: "Read your e-mail. Instructions are there."
Person B: "I can't recall receiving any e-mail. I can't find it. My mailbox ain't got no space."
Person A: "Just find it.
Person B: "Okey dokey. Imma workin' on it yo.
Person A takes his/her leave and disappears without a trace.
Person B makes a funny face. Kind of fluffy, you know.

Later in the afternoon it turns out Person A was on his/her usual mission trying to poke and provoke people in the vicinity of the area. Needless to say, she failed in this occasion. Person B was feeling pretty good of her/himself and managed to mislead and annoy Person A.
Once again. The feeling of satisfaction is priceless.

Person C takes even greater pleasure listening the conversations these two often have. In fact it is at least on two occasions daily. Person C is thinking of selling tickets.$40/per conversation/argument, no taxes to be paid= $80/day.. If mathematics is one of your strongest suits, you will see how much it is possible to earn. No taxes= rich in no time.

This is to you, my primary and secondary school teachers

So much talk about bullying at school... Little kids bullying other ones and no one appears to want to interfere. Not schoolmates (who are probably terrified anyway), not school authorities, no one. I just read about a boy, who has been a victim of bullying for quite some time now. Three "bullies" attempted to drown him by pushing his head into toilet bowl. One "bully" slapped him in the middle of art class. One fucker threw a glass of milk at him. Another ***hole attempted to strangle him, and succeeded in rendering the boy unconscious. Would you not say these are attempts to murder this kid?
The below link is for the blog- written in Finnish. Google translation may help- but I believe 99% of the replies to the mother's post really and truly condemn bullying and wonder why the school principal lacks decision making abilities. And has no balls! C'mon, why can't these bullies be transferred to special kind of class for special kind of people? Or some other school, that's not in the neighborhood at all? 
http://lillatirlittan.bellablogit.fi/2014/08/koulukiusaaminen-kun-koulukaan-ei-auta/

I've been there, but it is long long time ago now. I just hope this boy will get an opportunity to get out of this mess..

While I am at it- thanks to my PE teachers, who forced me into the pool, when I did not even know how to swim. Oh yeah, and I was so damn fond of gymnastics too. Not. Thanks for forcing me and now as a result I hate exercise. Thanks to my primary school teacher too, who almost force fed me that yucky cold pasta veggie salad. All my classmates had finished theirs, I was the only one left. Needless to say, I did not finish that effing cold pasta crap- we ran out of time or teacher ran out of patience. I did eventually learn to swim, but I was already 17 so somehow I managed slip away from those awful heavily chlorinated pools. Cheated you by saying I have my period loooool! To this day, I dislike cold pasta salads and veggies too. I'd choose carbs over healthy veggies any time. Force-feeding tactics failed. You loser.
If these are the only traumas given to me by my teachers, then I have to consider myself very lucky. No, not lucky. My classmates took care of bullying, physical and mental violence, verbal abuse and other kind of stuff.
Bullying will never end. There is always some form of bullying going on, such a sad story.

I heard it

Person A: "Can I talk to you for a moment?"
Person B: "Sure yeah c'mon in."
Person A: "Hmmmm that e-mail you sent to Person C. It wasn't quite correct, you know, grammar sucks. Dude."
Person B: "It was meant to be brief, and to the point and it was. Just to get the message across. I ain't saying nothing more about it."
Person A: "Yes, but you can't send those e-mails. They reflect badly on us and do not build trust, or bridges. Or skyscrapers. Bottom line: no more e-mails. Don't argue with me, there is no point in arguing. I don't want to hear your arguments or invalid points or comments or other kind of garbage."
Person B: "Yeah, but man, you sent me mail in the morning asking me to come to your office. That ain't building trust. It's building the tower of annoyance."
Person A: ...................
Person A became speechless and left the room. Not the building.
Soon Person A is back, not physically, but verbally: "Yo man, you want some coffee?"
Person B is stunned and has nothing to say. Dude.
Person A throws in one more attempt: "Are you going anywhere this weekend?"
Person B throws in the towel and begins packing their bags and prepares to leave the building. "Thinkin of going fishin. Possibly."

Names and places have been changed to protect the identity of the two individuals. This war of words took place in the notorious office, that which was recently invaded by aliens. Person A's real identity will probably never be knows as he/she was abducted by the aliens. Person B is no other than our old valued colleague, who at the end of the conversation left the building, only to realize he/she needs to return to work again after weekend. That's life for you.

OneRepublic - Love Runs Out

One rule for you, one for me

This is how the story goes over and over ago, like a broken record:
This person, who works in an unnamed organization, has it all. Decent salary, authority, freedom to do and decide whatever is convenient à la mode de micromanager. Office with a view, which enables the manager to look for disobedient unruly employees. And yes, there are plenty of them.
In normal fair and equal world all employees, including that notorious micromanager arrive at work and leave on time. In ideal world no micromanagement exist, neither do micromanagers, but then we do not live in an ideal world. We live in a world, where manager decides, manager comes and goes, manager is late, manager lies and hides facts, manager manages and  manager says No. Manager is not respected, well-liked or loved, quite the contrary. This sort of managing style won't help in making friends, but the manager does not realize this. 
Why don't same rules apply? Spending rather a wild weekend, returning from holiday or whatever does not give an employee the right to arrive to work late on Monday morning. But somehow these rules don't apply to the manager. Why???!!! I can honestly say I am always on time at work each morning, unless I am home unconscious, had car accident or something. It is very very rare that my alarm clock does not function. Manager is paid that high salary, and then gets these extra privileges too. Perhaps they are included in the contract? "Thou shall be late every Monday morning" and "Returning from holidays gives you an automatic right to be late or not show up at all". Yes, this must be the case. My contract does not give me these rights, but there are always those privileged ones. Always. That's just the fact of life.
I am disgusted.  

Back to the past.. for a moment

View from the Four Seasons hotel in Riyadh. The hotel is pretty awesome and amazing views certainly prove it. New high rise buildings have appeared in the horizon. Of course the first thing I was searching for was The Hospital. I know where it is, but could not see it. Not at night, not in the morning. Could the hospital have vanished without a trace....? That would have been the very best option.

But no. Next morning I found myself sitting in a taxi driving toward The Hospital. I hate seeing it and nothing in or outside that hospital structure provides any comfort. My one and only task was to find the outpatient building (ok, same location, same floor, same room), see the doctor (nice to see ya... not), book the next appointment (AWWWW NO NOT ANOTHER ONE). Can we check your height and weight? NO. Blood pressure? Sure. 155/91 (I really and truly hate this place). Do you have fever? No. 36.7 C (despite of the fact that it was well above +40 C outside and I was boiling with heat and anger and disgust and fear). They probably will now document in the file that "patient was not cooperative". Go ahead, document what you want.

End result is that I will need to return to The Hospital in October. They want to do the final thyroid whole body scan. If it was just the cutting edge scan and no blood tests, no time wasting doctor's appointments, I'd probably be ok. The fact is that it's all inclusive, all comes in one package, same price for all. Once again, they will document that patient was reluctant to co-operate. I get it that they are trying to help me, but they too could be little more understanding and kind. I get it that it's a hospital and some people think working in hospital gives you the right to treat patients like dirt. Definitely not inform them of any delays. Definitely delay them even more if you can. Add to that being relentlessly rude and patronizing. Not all staff do that at all, of course. Thank God that they don't. 

Travel to The Hospital AKA torture chamber annoys me most. Waiting times piss me off. Queues everywhere are a real turn-off. Waiting areas are sterile, aged and tired and there are no seats. Then there is a sign "Do Not Wait in The Corridor". Well, smart pants, tell me shall I wait outside then..?!?

In preparation for the scan, low-iodine diet looks forward to meeting me www.cc.nih.gov/ccc/patient_education/pepubs/lo_io_diet.pdf. Thyrogen injections are eager to attack me with that very sharpest needle. www.thyrogen.com/ Awesome. I can't wait. Just makes me wonder how far I could push it with the low-iodine diet. How strict must one really be? What if I all of a sudden start craving for pasta, cereal, chips and all that Thou Shall Not Eat? One or two mouthfuls probably won't hurt? Once again "patient is non-compliant" will be documented in my file.
There are three more questions I need to answer too: What if I don't go at all? No scans, no appointments, no follow-up.What if I go, but walk out?What if I just don't go, cancel all appointments, scans, needlesticks etc.

I may come up with answers one day, sooner or later, before October arrives, but before that I may need to read my own survival guides I wrote in the blog in 2012 and 2013. Will I survive by reading my own survival guides?


 

Life is unpredictable

When we expect to board the plane, be it MH17 or another, we just expect to get on the plane and get to the destination within the time that's supposed to be the right time. The earlier the better. Then the news about Malaysian aircraft. It could have been any of us in that plane. How awful! I happened to be browsing through Facebook newsfeed and there it was; online newspaper headline. Speculations of how, who, why, what continue. Separatists have previously claimed responsibility of destroying various other aircrafts, helicopters etc so yeah, I guess it could be them again. Whoever it was, whoever owned those missiles it is still an absolute tragedy and murder.
All those passengers, just like us, have stories to tell. It's all over for them and it's a terrible loss. We just don't know when it is all over and it's not necessarily airplane crash.

Any of these days could be our last, so then perhaps there is no need to get so wound up about minor issues in daily life. I try remembering it too.

Dog's don't micromanage

Since The Dog has moved into my household, he has shredded a jacket, chewed and destroyed a pair of sunglasses, pair of reading glasses, lipstick, several paper bags (those posh ones you get from posh stores), pair of cheap hotel slippers, magazines/newspapers, emptied the contents of my handbag, raided my friend's gym bag. He attempted to shred his new doggie bed too, but he stopped when I told him NOOOOOOOO.
I take him out for a walk three times a day, feed him, pet him, chat with him and this is what he does. He is nowadays called Charlie The Shredder. If you have confidential papers to shred, so ahead and deliver them at Charlie's office.

"Ten Choices You Regret in Ten Years"; the whole web article is worth reading. It is so well worth it that I shared it in my Facebook page too. It's interesting, thought-provoking and even more- very up to date. Have a look at this one:

"Trying to micromanage every little thing. – Life should be touched, not strangled.  Sometimes you’ve got to relax and let life happen without incessant worry and micromanagement.  Learn to let go a little before you squeeze too tight.  Take a deep breath.  When the dust settles and you can once again see the forest for the trees, take the next step forward.  You don’t have to know exactly where you’re going to be headed somewhere great.  Everything in life is in perfect order whether you understand it yet or not.  It just takes some time to connect all the dots."

http://www.the-open-mind.com/ten-choices-you-will-regret-in-10-years/#isMAvhqBhS1GpyKr.01

 

Weekend is almost upon us, so let's not spoil it by talking about micromanagement. It's just that micromanagement seems like that very latest buzzword, something in fashion right now. Hell yeah! But does anyone really understand the concept of micromanagement? Merriam-Webster Dictionary can offer a helping hand: it defines micromanaging as 'managing with excessive control or attention to details'. 

 

Micromanager= a person with low self-esteem, bullying tendencies, feelings of inadequacy. Wearing blinkers. Not able to see the forest from the trees. Closes the stable door after the horse has bolted. Plain stupid. 

 

There is something to think about for the weekend, but I am pretty sure my dog has no micromanaging tendencies. He is awesome, shreds stuff, but stays happy all the time. Smiles. Does not ask questions. Does not attempt controlling people.

 

True bravery

Sometimes people, who you work with, can truly surprise you. It's not just a bunch of flowers kind of surprise, but something more. Huge. Bigger than Mount Everest. One such special person (you know who you are) did more that anyone expected. Probably surprised him/herself too. Incroyable! 
Make no mistake, they say. Well, "some" people apparently thought they could drive this brave person crazy, but he/she put stop into it by saying no to bullying, no to being a coward and no to unreasonable demands. It was "them", who made a mistake by taking it all for granted and wanting more, greedy selfish bullies! One bully in particular was nasty, with appalling vocabulary, abused his/her power and simply had to be stopped. This colleague of mine, one of my favorite persons stepped up and said no more, is one of the bravest persons I have ever known. By doing what she did, she also helped others, who face the same problem at work every day. He/she proved that there are people willing to help those in need, all you need to do is ask.

It was one of "them" bullies, who at the end could not face my brave colleague in one of the meetings, but sent a representative instead. Who's a coward now?! 
The other one of "them" suddenly could not look anyone in the eye and sat behind the desk all dark and depressed, guilt shining through every action and word. Yeah, what goes around comes around.
If you are being bullies, do what needs to be done. Speak up and say something. Talk to someone, who can help. No one needs to be a victim of such bullies anymore and by "just doing it" as Nike advert says, you are no longer a weak fool, who can be kicked around. 

Now seeing my colleague every day gives me a reason to smile. The way this was handled was just awesome! All respect to you. What an embarrassment for the bully.

It won't happen to me. Never.

Textbooks talk about stroke, heart attack, cancer, pelvic organ prolapse, broken bones, intra-cranial bleed, spinal injury, depression etc. So much stuff can go wrong with our bodies. It's another story then if any of above ever happens to any of us at all. Some lucky ones can probably live their lives without a lot going wrong. 

Textbooks can write all they want. Some of them are written by jerks, who never ever fall ill or even break a fingernail. Some others.. I guess they understand little. What I totally hate is that utter crap they write about "patients, who must do this and that etc", but it's not always that crystal clear. There are patients, who feel they have the right to question stuff medical person wants them to do. Provide this specimen and then lay down so we can examine you. Not so fast. Hell yeah, you'll have to question it, if you break a fingernail and they want you to lay down. Uh-oh, surely not because of fingernail. But you get my point. 

My original point was that some of this stuff will hopefully not happen to me, ever. Of course, when they say "been there, done that" they ain't talking about whitewater rafting, but about medical "issues". I can cross cancer off in my bucket list. Pelvic organ prolapse too! Yikes! How on earth did that happen? 
Then I get that good ole textbook out and read, and read and freak out. What the f...k. I'm not having that sorta problem. I'm a superhero. But this, if it's really what they say, grade I-II uterine prolapse, it's got to be fixed. Yesterday. Textbook tells me it's gotta be fixed. I'm not comfortable thinking one day soon grade II becomes grade III and IV and what then. Totally understandable that people want their problems and issues fixed. Lucky that we are not living in Stone Age anymore and fixing and repairing things is often possible. Lucky too that e.g. this prolapse thing can be fixed.
I still think it can't happen to me, but here we are, another day, another dollar. Dollars will no doubt help me in choosing the right person and hospital to treat this and fix it once and for all.

Lykke Li - I Follow Rivers (Director: Tarik Saleh)

How to survive post-operative phase AKA those non-productive days after operation Part 1

Rule number 1 is "Take it Easy". No matter how much you want to take that vacuum cleaner out and clean the house. Leave those black dog hairs on the floor, as long as you can navigate your way from bedroom to restroom and kitchen. Hopefully you have family and friends around, who can help you. It does not always mean that the shorter the hospital stay, the easier it is to recover. Not necessarily so at all. First few days are ok and fine to stay in bed for the most part of the day, but then I notice there are things that need doing, such as taking that vacuum cleaner out. Unfortunately, or fortunately mine is still in the box, unopened, gift-wrapped and taped, stapled, so I could not possibly get it out without help. Doggy hairs are still on the floor and they remain there until I can do something about it. Good old dustpan will do in the meantime.
I'm not a good typical compliant patient. This is why I overdid it yesterday. There were places to go to, people and animals to see and I simply had to do it all. I was still up at 11pm, got woken up by "Chewie" the dog (he was once called Charlie, but because he loves to chew, he is now Chewie) at 6am, took him out for potty break and nearly passed out. Came back in, drank water, fed Chewie and took a nap on the living room sofa.
Take it easy becomes a golden rule 1. It has purpose and a meaning, it's not there just to tell you to take a vacation and go out partying. It's there to help to flush anesthesia toxins out of the system, kick constipation in its butt, keep painkillers at hand, take long showers, eat well, drink a lot of water and sleep, watch TV, fall asleep in the middle of a good movie, wake up dazed and confused, hungry, thirsty and in pain... Aarrrrgghhhh! Those moments asleep on the sofa become very precious, because healing really happens when you are asleep and with a bit of luck pain won't wake you up. My dog sleeps on the floor next to me, keeping an eye on me. He takes care of my exercise requirements, which are just short walks outside, but little by little I can add extra minutes and yards and make them longer. Without the dog, I don't think I'd be outside much.
Take it easy- but yes, do something. Do it and then plan to be back on the living room sofa for the next few hours. Enjoy being non-productive, because those days when you have no choice (i.e. back to work, school..) are on their way. I have 5 more days left and I'll enjoy them as much as I can.

PS: Dried prunes are great for constipation... and dude, please don't throw me overboard...

  

  

Out of hospital

What a day. 

  

As always, my fondness toward hospital has not grown, in fact it is heading into the very opposite direction. It's a that usual routine for healthcare workers, who see stuff happening; people come and go, have their procedures and operations etc. Once again I've come to realize that it's a very unique experience for a patient.
I felt helpless, lost, scared and did not want to be there. Needles=pain. Hospital gown= humiliation and embarrassment. TED stockings= new fashion statement. I was just so lucky that there were many friends, who kept me company and popped in when I was in recovery. Couldn't have asked for more. Nevertheless, going to the operating room was not a pleasant journey and it doesn't get easier. Experienced OR visitor, such as undersigned, should have no issues, but yeah go ahead and try it yourself. Then tell me what you think.
I have no veins, at least none that unskilled healthcare workers can poke and practice on. It was the anesthetist, who finally managed to find one. Felt a lot better, when first drops of Propofol reached the blood circulation. 
I'm back home now and can't get enough of my new black Labrador boy. He is called Charlie and he is gorgeous. Healing happens at home, not in hospital bed, if that is an option and I am grateful that it was ok for me to go home back to Charlie.

"Fear can hold you prisoner. Hope can set you free." - Stephen King

 

Crash site

I am waiting for feedback from university, where I am studying. Feedback about the essay I just submitted and whether or not I am proficient enough in English. If yes, I guess I get to continue studies and if not, well, I will find out what the meaning of a "drop-out" is. Right now I don't really care. My future plans did not even include studying, even though The Boss says I am an academic type. To my surprise, I now feel studying is not just worthless mind-numbing activity, but actually quite rewarding. Seeing those 4000 words in front of you and still wanting to continue, eager to jump right into the next module, is amazing considering I did not want to study anything in the first place.
Well, perhaps consider another career, due to not such great life at work right now.

it is not good manners, if a colleague at work watches your every move and then reports you. Still manages to keep straight face as if nothing had ever happened. "It was not me, I never said anything to the boss, I did not report you". Guilt always shines through this person's face and words in more ways than one. Yeah, so it was her again, who was caught in the act walking out of the boss's office (Boss's office is almost sacred ground. It can only mean one thing to me: 99% of the time it is bad news, if I get an invitation in...).  Like those childhood bullies long long time ago- it is time to name and shame these supervisor's little pets soon.

It's just getting impossible to work in this sort of environment. I have already lost count how many times I have mentioned "work", "bullying" and all those nasty words. It goes on and on and I am getting to the point of keeping my mouth shut and just watching how the situation develops. Just accepting that I am not going to get what I want, not in this place, no matter how many posh letters I can add behind my name. I've added my name into that list of The Most Unpopular People,

  

that is circulating out there somewhere. It has probably reached this glacier by now.

It's because of that

It is pretty amazing what we all achieve in our lives. It does not need to be anything really very remarkable and whether it is writing a novel or watching a horror movie it's an accomplishment. Some sort of. Not each and every day needs to be full of accomplishments.

My day started quite well. Having had good night and plenty of rest, I thought the day will surely be brilliant. Not so. Seeing some colleagues at work triggers unpleasant sensations. No matter how hard I try, I find it hard even to look at them and I feel I've got to get distance between them and myself. At least they don't smell and it is not really physical unpleasantness in them either.... But it is that bloody awful attitude, that they are on top of the world. They feel they have been treated unfairly and are being bullied, when in fact it's exactly the opposite. Mornings often start with mind-numbing meetings that on a reasonably positive note, but almost end in tears and someone walking out in a hurry. I could do one lousy meeting like that, but had to run away from the one in the afternoon. What sorta boss never gets questioned by the authorities, when the whole department falls into pieces, insults fly from all four corners and employees resign one by one?
My one and only request (it was just ONE, honest. I knew I could have just this ONE) was to change work assignment. Guess what the response was: NO. We touched the subject briefly later, but even then the boss pretended not to have ever discussed any such thing with me. It was her way or highway. I am beginning to reach that highway. Few colleagues more more than willing to discuss change of work assignment, but even that did not save me.
Do I ever feel I am being bullied? Hell yeah I am. Every day. It's an insane epidemic, very much like a known contagious disease.

"Well touch my mouth and hold my tongue
I'll never be your chosen one
I'll be home safe and tucked away
Well you can't tempt me if I don't see the day."
- Mumford&Sons: Broken Crown

Friend of mine, whom I met after work was talking along the same lines. How work sucks at times, how life is hard in general and how he fell asleep right after coming home from work. But considering that these are really minor issues, he said why worry about them that much.
Yes, why worry.
I'll be seeing my doctor tomorrow morning, and I could be on the operating table again on May 21, so in a big scheme of things I think things are really just fine.

My achievement of the day was that I just accepted on some level what was happening, did not start crying, but left the meeting before more harm than good was said and done. It does not mean I will continue to accept the situation. 

  

Mumford and Sons - Broken Crown

No to bullying

Sometimes putting distance between you and your "normal" daily life, can really change the way you see things.  I wrote a lot about work and bullying before vacation and that's been the previous trend too.. Things just get very unpleasant and challenging, seeing the same people day in day out is plain painful! Perhaps I need a new career- truck driver..?  Scenery and people change.
When I was in primary and secondary school, I was bullied most of the time. There was no choice at the time, those bullies were there all the time. School holidays were the only times when bullies weren't present. I knew very well where each of them lived, and avoided going anywhere near their houses.Journeys to school by school bus were torture. Somehow those bullies always positioned themselves close to me and those poor friends, who sat next to me. Mr VR was one of the worst. The bus bully. Mr's TR and TS were the school classroom bullies. In hindsight I can see Mr. TR was the weaker one, even though in size he was bigger. Without Mr. TS he could not function. Two girls, Miss LM and MO were pretty bad too and both of them totally unable to function without the other one. There are plenty more stories about what these guys did to me and my friends. Name and shame may not really benefit anyone or bring justice after all those years now, but let them just die in their own shame. They are very well aware of what their school years were like.

I am recognizing same pattern now- this is tens of years later and it did not cross my mind that anything like this would reoccur. Bullying. Right now I could kick those kids' asses, tell them where they really and truly belong, but that's because years passed and all of us kind of grew up. I'm not sure if those kids ever really grew up, went to high school, university, became famous..? I doubt that. Few of them were pretty simple and stupid. They probably remained that way.

Situation today resembles of what happened years ago, but adults (or so called adults) have more developed weapons. Verbal, that is as far as it goes, but words hurt too.

We need another survival guide- how to survive bullying at school and work.

The two bullies in the present day world are also very dependent on each other. One feeds the other one. One collects information and delivers the news. The other one whispers and excludes the rest of mere mortals.  That's not how an effective team works unless it's just a two man (or woman) team. In that case it blood well works.

Few more years and these two conquerors will be named and shamed too. My little black notebook is getting more and more exciting information about the "Adventures of The Two Poison Dwarfs". Interesting material for my forthcoming book.

Iceland