Christmas can be such fun and bring a lot of brightness into one of the darkest seasons on the earth. For some, for children and families, it is a celebration, bringing families and relatives togather, but for some it just brings more loneliness and misery. Being alone, no friends, no family around. For some, work is the only salvation- works allows many people be lonely, but not alone.
I will be working both Christmas and the New Year, even though that was no part of the grand plan. In between jobs, so to say, I got caught in a trap and my working days landed perfectly in the midst of the season of celebration. Working one or the other of these holidays would be fine, to be fair, but not both. And not without asking an employee first. A simple " can I ask you to work on these days" would have been enough for me. But NOTHING like that happened and I felt insulted, abused, hurt, angry, sad- all at the same time. Not a good start for a new job nor for 2010. Workwise not a good beginning, but for the year in general, I am hoping it will be a good one.
Well, time to get over it, Christmas Eve is drawing toward the end, lights are out and I am soon going to bed, sleep, and get ready for another day. Whilst being very well aware that my issues right now are very minor compared to such people, who never made it home early for Christmas, because their flight or train journey were canceled. Or delayed. Or something even worse that none of us really want to think about right now.
I am going to have a glass of something, definitely stronger than water and sleep.
The holiday season can be an awful challenge for some, but next year may not be the same. It might not be that depressing, lonely and frustrating. I have spent a New Year alone in London, watching fireworks in the city, standing on the hill somewhere on the Hampstead Heath, feeling cold, miserable and very much alone. A crowd around me, I was feeling not only cold, but uncomfortable, like I needed to carry a banner saying I AM NOT A LONELY LOSER. Following year I was invited to a party, where I was surrounded by another crowd, this time not really feeling 100% comfortable, but at least NOT alone. Another year: I was at home, not expecting to go anywhere- so I fell asleep in the late afternoon, and woke up in the early morning hours of 2009. Then a year after- which is this one; I will be welcoming the New Year at work! *#$@+(*&^~`Grrrrrrr! There are many different ways to celebrate, but which one to pick. For sure I am not going to be one of those sleeping through the change of the year, not this time.
December 24, 2009
December 18, 2009
November 26, 2009
" I want your love and I want your revenge You and me could write a bad romance "
What a weird song, this "Bad Romance", but as soon as I heard it on TV, I thought it may well work. Not that I am caught in a bad romance. I am not caught at all, but I may end up buying Lady Gaga's album, no matter how hard I try resisting.
People, who spread nasty untrue rumors of others, should be banned from existing. There are few not so kind hearted people at work, who love nothing more than rumors, gossip and spreading lies all over the place. How does it really truly feel when one knows what they talk about is not true? What does this person gain? Higher status? Nooo way, not in my eyes. So Miss PB, don't talk about stuff you couldn't possibly understand. By gossiping, you turn into a smaller than an ant, worthless piece of artwork, in my eyes.
While talking about colleagues, who consider themselves higher than God, we could name and shame them, but we won't because it would be lowering ourselves to a "smaller than an ant" - level. A humorous description of few may suffice: there is one, who I call a "lawnmower".She always manages to bump onto another person, and I am definitely NOT invisible, and I am not the only one.. There are others, who this person has mistaken for grass. Hey, there's long green grass in the horizon, let's bring the "lawnmower" in! It's me first, just me and my simple lawnmower-style world.
She's definitely a weirdo. Never ceases to amaze me how she can totally ignore another person's presence, that is when she does not need anything from you. When she does, she can be cunning and convincing and loving and the sweetest little Easter bunny all at the same time. Yuck, I say!
Trans-Siberian railway: it is a fascinating idea, kind of an adventure that I'd like to experience. Train journeys are exciting. I've traveled through France, from England to Scotland, by Eurostar- traveling through Russia all the way to Beijing would be a dream come true.
While talking about colleagues, who consider themselves higher than God, we could name and shame them, but we won't because it would be lowering ourselves to a "smaller than an ant" - level. A humorous description of few may suffice: there is one, who I call a "lawnmower".She always manages to bump onto another person, and I am definitely NOT invisible, and I am not the only one.. There are others, who this person has mistaken for grass. Hey, there's long green grass in the horizon, let's bring the "lawnmower" in! It's me first, just me and my simple lawnmower-style world.
She's definitely a weirdo. Never ceases to amaze me how she can totally ignore another person's presence, that is when she does not need anything from you. When she does, she can be cunning and convincing and loving and the sweetest little Easter bunny all at the same time. Yuck, I say!
Trans-Siberian railway: it is a fascinating idea, kind of an adventure that I'd like to experience. Train journeys are exciting. I've traveled through France, from England to Scotland, by Eurostar- traveling through Russia all the way to Beijing would be a dream come true.
November 16, 2009
October 08, 2009
Hunters of The Lost Confidence
On horseback that is. Yesterday I tried few very easy jumps, but the horse stopped before each jump- my mind was telling him "don't jump". I could have done it 20 years ago, an eager and fearless pony clubber, but today my main concern was do I still know how to do it? The horse knows, he has fantastic experience in cross-country jumps. One half a meter high jump would be nothing of a challenge for him. Poles on the ground went well, in trot and canter. Weird thing is that we jumped a cross country jump last week, not a very complicated jump, it came kind of all of a sudden in trot and I thought we'll just go for it. And we did! Perfect jump, perfect landing and I didn't fall off.
I was wearing a body protector yesterday, the horse has long mane (just in case..) and he does not bolt or run away. Perfect horse, less perfect rider, but I am not judging myself too harshly, it might have not been "my day", no jumps.
Call in the instructor, riding lessons might be in order.
September 26, 2009
Life as it is today
Life is vulnerable. It is not fair, it brings sadness to others, joy to another, but it is still there. I am aware how my life has changed within the past 10 years and how lucky I am to be here today, having everything I have, being grateful for it.
Living without pain. Two days ago sciatic pain forced me to either walk or stay in bed, sitting on a chair was out of question. Today, I have no pain and I am extremely grateful. I woke up at 5am, without pain, without that fatigue I have suffered from for quite some time.
Today I had pasta and chicken for lunch. How lucky that I had an opportunity to eat. In the early hours of the morning I went for a walk. Cool fresh air, peaceful and quiet. How lucky I was there too.
I am very much aware this could end at any time, all this could be taken away from me. Therefore it is important to remember- and I try- that each moment is mine, my decision to use those minutes and hours the way I choose. Yes, there are moments when I forget. But then I remember.. and I am grateful.
Living without pain. Two days ago sciatic pain forced me to either walk or stay in bed, sitting on a chair was out of question. Today, I have no pain and I am extremely grateful. I woke up at 5am, without pain, without that fatigue I have suffered from for quite some time.
Today I had pasta and chicken for lunch. How lucky that I had an opportunity to eat. In the early hours of the morning I went for a walk. Cool fresh air, peaceful and quiet. How lucky I was there too.
I am very much aware this could end at any time, all this could be taken away from me. Therefore it is important to remember- and I try- that each moment is mine, my decision to use those minutes and hours the way I choose. Yes, there are moments when I forget. But then I remember.. and I am grateful.
September 21, 2009
Animal Cruelty
No news is often good news.. news, when they happen such as this one http://www.horseandhound.co.uk truly is bad news. Happened in England in April, I hope by now they'd have caught that horrible person, who is guilty of animal cruelty such as this. And yes, let that person burn in hell. It is disgusting that people such as this idiot exist. And as always, this is just my opinion here, but I am sure many people would agree with me.
"Shire horse foal shot in horrific attack in Lancashire
16 April, 2009
Check out the latest H&H subscription offers >>
Police are hunting for the person who shot and maimed a seven-month-old prize-winning foal in a "horrific attack" at a remote farm.
Shire horse Cara was blasted with a shotgun at close range while she was being sheltered by her mother at Buckhurst Farm, near Ramsbottom, in Lancashire.
Experts fear that Cara, who was exhibited recently at the Peterborough Show, may be left with long-term breathing and feeding difficulties.
She is being treated at Liverpool University's veterinary hospital.
Police are appealing for any riders, ramblers and mountain bikers who might have seen or heard anything at the time of the attack overnight of 9/10 April will come forward.
Detective Sargeant Nikki Bithell, of Rossendale CID, said: "This was a heinous crime which has left a defenceless animal with horrific injuries.
"The motive for the attack is not known at this stage but we are following up several lines of inquiry.
"We believe this was an isolated attack and don't believe that other horse owners are at risk."
She added: "We need to catch the person responsible for this terrible atrocity which has left an animal maimed. Its trust of humans will, without doubt, be affected, possibly for life."
Anyone with information is asked to contact Rossendale CID on 01706 237347 or Crimestoppers, anonymously, on 0800 555 111."
September 15, 2009
Fly with me
Flying can be fun and quite entertaining, that is if the seat is comfortable, service is excellent and if you are lucky enough, passenger seated next to you is exceptional... or even better, the seat next to you is EMPTY. That does happen nowadays, when H1N1 and few other things prevent people from flying. we all know what these "things" are- terrorist and bomb threats, coughing and sneezing fellow passengers, fear of flying and disease transmission, expensive flying, inconsiderate fellow passengers, turbulence, fear of seat belts.. etc..
On my flight 3 days ago seat (70D)was not comfortable. The seat next to me was empty, but what did the passenger on the other (70G) do. At first he was listening to music, headphones on, but the volume so loud that I could hear each and every word of the song. That was not enough, he turned on both his and "empty seat passenger's" video screens, volume to the max, sooo annoying and inconsiderate, Star Trek and a Chinese movie. Had I know what comes next, I'd have said keep the music on. Dinner time: he was one of those without any table manners. Burping, sniffing, smacking his lips. I was spared from seeing him finishing his dinner as I fell asleep, only to be woken by loud music straight from the headphones.
Young man, wearing a cap, headphones on, sunglasses on but facing "backwards, somehow attached to the cap.
He may not have any hearing ability left when he gets old if he carries on like this. Anyway that's none of my business. To hear or not to hear.
Next thing he decided to do was sleep, using both seats, the empty one next to me as well as his own. No prob, I just felt that he was tad too tall for two seats. He arranged his pillows and blankets- I was following this with great curiosity, and next thing I felt was pillows leaning on my arm, and his head on the pillow. Now!! That is just too much. I moved my arm, his head popped up "soriiii" he said. Yeah right. I lost count how many dirty looks I gave him and called him "Pig" but none of that registered in that head of his, perhaps hearing already damaged by love songs he was listening too bloody loud. On top of that he did not know how to wear seat belt. Mild turbulence on the way, el capitan ask us to wear seat belts, but not this one, noooo way. He either did not care, did not hear, did not want to.. or all of the above. Sigh...
Flight was full, no seats nowhere in sight and I just could not be bothered to ask to change the seat, incase I'd land sitting next to someone even worse.
At the end of the flight: a spectacle. The plane still in the runway, some hasty ones jump up and get their suitcases out of the overhead compartments. Seatbelt sign on, no matter what cabin crew says, this happens at least three times. Unruly passengers should be thrown out of the plane? Unbelievable, totally uncivilized, seat belts are there to be worn, rules to be followed. Poor cabin crew boys and girls, they've probably seen and said it all, but it keeps happening again and again.
On my flight 3 days ago seat (70D)was not comfortable. The seat next to me was empty, but what did the passenger on the other (70G) do. At first he was listening to music, headphones on, but the volume so loud that I could hear each and every word of the song. That was not enough, he turned on both his and "empty seat passenger's" video screens, volume to the max, sooo annoying and inconsiderate, Star Trek and a Chinese movie. Had I know what comes next, I'd have said keep the music on. Dinner time: he was one of those without any table manners. Burping, sniffing, smacking his lips. I was spared from seeing him finishing his dinner as I fell asleep, only to be woken by loud music straight from the headphones.
Young man, wearing a cap, headphones on, sunglasses on but facing "backwards, somehow attached to the cap.
He may not have any hearing ability left when he gets old if he carries on like this. Anyway that's none of my business. To hear or not to hear.
Next thing he decided to do was sleep, using both seats, the empty one next to me as well as his own. No prob, I just felt that he was tad too tall for two seats. He arranged his pillows and blankets- I was following this with great curiosity, and next thing I felt was pillows leaning on my arm, and his head on the pillow. Now!! That is just too much. I moved my arm, his head popped up "soriiii" he said. Yeah right. I lost count how many dirty looks I gave him and called him "Pig" but none of that registered in that head of his, perhaps hearing already damaged by love songs he was listening too bloody loud. On top of that he did not know how to wear seat belt. Mild turbulence on the way, el capitan ask us to wear seat belts, but not this one, noooo way. He either did not care, did not hear, did not want to.. or all of the above. Sigh...
Flight was full, no seats nowhere in sight and I just could not be bothered to ask to change the seat, incase I'd land sitting next to someone even worse.
At the end of the flight: a spectacle. The plane still in the runway, some hasty ones jump up and get their suitcases out of the overhead compartments. Seatbelt sign on, no matter what cabin crew says, this happens at least three times. Unruly passengers should be thrown out of the plane? Unbelievable, totally uncivilized, seat belts are there to be worn, rules to be followed. Poor cabin crew boys and girls, they've probably seen and said it all, but it keeps happening again and again.
September 09, 2009
August 24, 2009
24 hours of sleep
Incredible tiredness, all I want to do is to sleep. Endo told me to increase Synthroid dose, and at first I felt it actually made a difference. But now, I could sleep 24 hours a day. I am off to vacation late September, by then I'd love to be able to do something else than just sleep.
Ok it seems blood tests need to be repeated again and thyroid antibodies better be where they belong, i.e. undetectable. Who needs antibodies in their lives?
Ok it seems blood tests need to be repeated again and thyroid antibodies better be where they belong, i.e. undetectable. Who needs antibodies in their lives?
August 23, 2009
Emergency Wars Part 1
Not mafia, vampire or dragon wars. Not star wars either.
Here's the scenario: two people, one of them a mafia wars hero on level 343. The other one, possibly an ordinary warrior, who is about to lose the fight, because the mafia hero has brought with her a powerful army of weapons, soldiers, armor, vehicles- just like in the very real mafia wars in facebook: machine guns, rifles, cannons, flak jackets. Excellent results, proven results in everyday mafia fights.
The ordinary warrior alone against "El Capitan" will certainly lose, El Capitan with or without her army.
Only this time it is a verbal attack, even though El Capitan feels like few muskets and body armor would not go to waste in this case. Verbal attacks becomes unbearably violent, words and sentences flying across the room, and it is clear none of the fighters are ready to lose. You ain't got the last word here. The warrior thinks she has won, but no, it is too early to come into any conclusions. El Capitan has the right words in her head, she writes them down and deciphers an accusatory note, defending herself and her invisible army, tells it like it is, there are no innocent parties in this war. The war is not over yet, El Capitan knows it, the Warrior knows it too.
Words are powerful, they can cut the heart open, they can heal, they can cure, they can be formed into mightiest insult. At times one may be a master of words, at another time it is a real challenge to find the right words. Sometimes thoughts form into words and without thinking, they just slip out and there is no way of taking them back.
El Capitan may still win, but 50-50 result would not be too bad either, not in this case.
A lot is at stake here. Whole life, house, job, fiancee, travel, pets. Win or lose that is the question.
Here's the scenario: two people, one of them a mafia wars hero on level 343. The other one, possibly an ordinary warrior, who is about to lose the fight, because the mafia hero has brought with her a powerful army of weapons, soldiers, armor, vehicles- just like in the very real mafia wars in facebook: machine guns, rifles, cannons, flak jackets. Excellent results, proven results in everyday mafia fights.
The ordinary warrior alone against "El Capitan" will certainly lose, El Capitan with or without her army.
Only this time it is a verbal attack, even though El Capitan feels like few muskets and body armor would not go to waste in this case. Verbal attacks becomes unbearably violent, words and sentences flying across the room, and it is clear none of the fighters are ready to lose. You ain't got the last word here. The warrior thinks she has won, but no, it is too early to come into any conclusions. El Capitan has the right words in her head, she writes them down and deciphers an accusatory note, defending herself and her invisible army, tells it like it is, there are no innocent parties in this war. The war is not over yet, El Capitan knows it, the Warrior knows it too.
Words are powerful, they can cut the heart open, they can heal, they can cure, they can be formed into mightiest insult. At times one may be a master of words, at another time it is a real challenge to find the right words. Sometimes thoughts form into words and without thinking, they just slip out and there is no way of taking them back.
El Capitan may still win, but 50-50 result would not be too bad either, not in this case.
A lot is at stake here. Whole life, house, job, fiancee, travel, pets. Win or lose that is the question.
August 13, 2009
There is always hope!
| "Factors | Score |
|---|---|
| distant Metastasis: Did the tumor spread to other parts of the body outside of the region of the neck? | yes = 3 no = 0 |
| Age at the time the tumor was found | Less than 39 years = 3.1 over 40 = 0.08 x age |
| Invasion: Did the surgeon see that the tumor had extended beyond the thyroid into other regions of the neck? | yes = 1 no = 0 |
| Completeness of resection: Were there parts of the tumor that the surgeon was unable to remove (for example a part that was attached to the windpipe)? | yes = 1 no = 0 |
| Size of tumor (measured by the pathologist) | 0.3 x size in cm |
Once the score for each factor is calculated, they are added up to get a total MAICS score and this total predicts the likelihood that the patient will live 20 years from the time the tumor was discovered. Fortunately most patients fall into the low risk category (MAICS score less than 6.0) and are cured of the cancer at the time of surgery.
| 20-year survival rate according to MAICS score | ||||
|---|---|---|---|---|
| MAICS Score | <> | 6.0 - 6.99 | 7.0 - 7.99 | > 8.0 |
| 20 yr Survival | 99% | 89% | 56% | 24%" |
Recently I found this extraordinarily fine website by Columbia University Medical Center, NY- and I am not saying this just because it is by far the only website giving me the exact answer I have been looking for. Do I Have Any Hope Left? I knew the answer all along, of course there is hope, but part me wanted to see it as numerical information, which in a way makes it easier to comprehend. Numbers are numbers 123456789 and so on, and one of may just bypass all statistics, live longer, much longer than anyone could predict, and when I hear of such an event, I say thanks be to God- doctors were wrong with their prediction
I have not heard or seen doctors here using MAICS score, but it probably is not something brand new?
Another question is thyroglobulin; and the following website:
http://www.doctorslounge.com/endocrinology/articles/thyroid/thyroglobulin_cancer/index.htm
clarified this somewhat.
My endocrine doc does not really give clear answers regarding thyroglobulin and I have stopped asking. Instead I am on a hunt to find a new endocrine doc, who can actually concentrate on one task at the time. Answer questions, admitting it if he/she does not know the answer. The present one knows me, but not well enough hehee :-)
Cancer issue pops up each day at work, most of the time they are my clients, but they remind me of how fragile life really is.
July 26, 2009
July 21, 2009
July 07, 2009
July 03, 2009
Did you say it?
"Did you say it? 'I love you. I don't ever want to live without you. You changed my life.' Did you say it? Make a plan. Set a goal. Work toward it, but every now and then, look around; Drink it in 'cause this is it. It might all be gone tomorrow." -Meredith Grey
June 28, 2009
Is the grass greener on the other side?
Uncertainty of life and people and work.. Especially work..
Then I begin wondering what else is there. Where else to go? Caribbean? Asia? Europe? Australia?
I am a world traveler. Somewhat less nowadays, but my mind does not settle. It keeps working and burning lot of nervous energy.
Then I begin wondering what else is there. Where else to go? Caribbean? Asia? Europe? Australia?
I am a world traveler. Somewhat less nowadays, but my mind does not settle. It keeps working and burning lot of nervous energy.
Colonoscopy survival guide
I had a colonoscopy done recently, it was something that needed to be done, but I was not too keen.. I didn't know what to expect, until the preparations got underway. They probably vary from one hospital/clinic to another, but in general it is all the same: clear the intestines. My friend told me to think about it as a free colonic irrigation.. Yeah.
According to Wikipedia, this is the definition of the procedure: "Colonoscopy is the endoscopic examination of the large colon and the distal part of the small bowel with a CCD camera or a fiber optic camera on a flexible tube passed through the anus. It may provide a visual diagnosis (e.g. ulceration, polyps) and grants the opportunity for biopsy or removal of suspected lesions."
The day before I wasn't eating any solid foods, in fact I was dreading this cleansing procedure and had no appetite at all- at the end this was good, as nothing much "came out". GoLytely is the name of the awful foul tasting cocktail, that needs to be mixed with water and "flavoring". Adding orange flavor does not make it orange juice, but to make it 0.05% easier, store the cocktail in the fridge. According to the manufacturers, the solution is then more "palatable". 4 liters of palatable solution. I began drinking at 4pm and continued until after 6pm. After that no glass of that stuff went down however hard I tried, but by then I had already drank 3/4 of the contents and decided it MUST be enough. Yuck!
If one can find something distacting to do, such as watching a movie, Grey's anatomy, Facebook, it greatly helps in this task. If not, well, then it's staring at the plastic container, wondering what poison it contains.. potassium, NaCl, sodium bicarbonate, PEG..? But for sure it works! Be near the restroom, or if you cannot, if you are stuck in front of the computer screen playing Vapire Wars in Facebook, then ensure you are wearing a diaper or something similar. When it's time to go, then it really is. The goal is to get it all "clear", until no fecal matter is left in the intestines.
To be honest I thought I'd suffer more, but all I had was nausea, which got worse the more glasses I had emptied, and three quarters of the stuff had been consumed. During the evening and night restroom became my best friend. My previous every-day diarrhea episodes were even worse, so this time the challenge was to drink without throwing up. Such a bad taste! Apple juice/GoLyte and so on, drinking one sip of each, it was working for a while. On top of that, 3 Dulcolax tablets, laxatives, need I say more.
One the day itself I went to hospital feeling a bit weak and shaky. I didn't really sleep, and felt hungry and thirsty and just hmmm.. a bit nervous- isn't that normal..? At least I bravely made it to the hospital. Changed into a gown (leave the socks on), no fancy underwear needed. No high heels, no make up, because when you are upset and cry, make up won't last. No one's going to notice anyway, all attention is drawn to the long black endoscope (is that thing going to enter my body..? no way!!) and most of us look the same in a hospital gown anyway. Stay warm and ask for an extra blanket. I did. My blood pressure was high and heart was about to jump out of the chest (are you anxious..?), even more when they wheeled me into the "torture chamber". Sterile white walls, monitors, bright lights, all kinds of weird stuff that makes one wonder what it is for. Hospital in general make me nervous and this time was no exception. One of the technicians called me "sensitive"- well how would you like to swap places with me I asked, and she was quiet, what to reply to that question, both us knowing I am the patient, she is not.
During the procedure I was asleep and honestly did not remember anything! I don't know how long it lasted, what happened, if I was in pain, if I was restless.. I don't know. Sedation is the key thing, without that I wouldn't have lasted long. That's just me, maybe in some places they are not that generous with sedation, but my personal threshold for pain and discomfort is not that high and if sedation is offered, then Great. Yes please. Pre-procedure tension was definitely there, no matter what people say "relax, take it easy", it's just not going to happen. Post-procedure I felt I was anxious for nothing but as always when it is something unknown (and seeing the endoscope itself did nothing to lift my spirits..), that just to way it goes. I don't know if it gets easier if one needs to go for the 2nd or 3rd colonoscopy, for me, I think I'd be doing the exact same, getting anxious, upset etc. Funny enough, the thought of embarrassment was the least of my worries, probably because the staff received me so well, treated me professionally (apart from that tech who called me sensitive- well think about swapping places and HOW would you feel..?), with sense of humor too.
On a scale 1-10 (10 being the worst imaginable) this procedure lands in somewhere between 5-6. Pre-procedure anxiety and drinking the GoLytely achieved score 9. Sedation, which wiped an uncomfortable memory out of my mind scores 10. In fact, sedation made me feel colonoscopy never happened, therefore scoring the procedure does not feel justified, as if it never existed, it was never done.
There are always worse procedures, and easier ones, but each of us at the end react in a different way and that's just how it is. Had someone else written this, it could have, and would have been same in some parts, or not at all similar. If my writing might encourage someone, then great. But if you've gotta go for colonoscopy, go, don't leave it just because you read someone (=coward)'s story- it might not be the same at all, probably won't be.
La vida es corta..
According to Wikipedia, this is the definition of the procedure: "Colonoscopy is the endoscopic examination of the large colon and the distal part of the small bowel with a CCD camera or a fiber optic camera on a flexible tube passed through the anus. It may provide a visual diagnosis (e.g. ulceration, polyps) and grants the opportunity for biopsy or removal of suspected lesions."
The day before I wasn't eating any solid foods, in fact I was dreading this cleansing procedure and had no appetite at all- at the end this was good, as nothing much "came out". GoLytely is the name of the awful foul tasting cocktail, that needs to be mixed with water and "flavoring". Adding orange flavor does not make it orange juice, but to make it 0.05% easier, store the cocktail in the fridge. According to the manufacturers, the solution is then more "palatable". 4 liters of palatable solution. I began drinking at 4pm and continued until after 6pm. After that no glass of that stuff went down however hard I tried, but by then I had already drank 3/4 of the contents and decided it MUST be enough. Yuck!
If one can find something distacting to do, such as watching a movie, Grey's anatomy, Facebook, it greatly helps in this task. If not, well, then it's staring at the plastic container, wondering what poison it contains.. potassium, NaCl, sodium bicarbonate, PEG..? But for sure it works! Be near the restroom, or if you cannot, if you are stuck in front of the computer screen playing Vapire Wars in Facebook, then ensure you are wearing a diaper or something similar. When it's time to go, then it really is. The goal is to get it all "clear", until no fecal matter is left in the intestines.
To be honest I thought I'd suffer more, but all I had was nausea, which got worse the more glasses I had emptied, and three quarters of the stuff had been consumed. During the evening and night restroom became my best friend. My previous every-day diarrhea episodes were even worse, so this time the challenge was to drink without throwing up. Such a bad taste! Apple juice/GoLyte and so on, drinking one sip of each, it was working for a while. On top of that, 3 Dulcolax tablets, laxatives, need I say more.
One the day itself I went to hospital feeling a bit weak and shaky. I didn't really sleep, and felt hungry and thirsty and just hmmm.. a bit nervous- isn't that normal..? At least I bravely made it to the hospital. Changed into a gown (leave the socks on), no fancy underwear needed. No high heels, no make up, because when you are upset and cry, make up won't last. No one's going to notice anyway, all attention is drawn to the long black endoscope (is that thing going to enter my body..? no way!!) and most of us look the same in a hospital gown anyway. Stay warm and ask for an extra blanket. I did. My blood pressure was high and heart was about to jump out of the chest (are you anxious..?), even more when they wheeled me into the "torture chamber". Sterile white walls, monitors, bright lights, all kinds of weird stuff that makes one wonder what it is for. Hospital in general make me nervous and this time was no exception. One of the technicians called me "sensitive"- well how would you like to swap places with me I asked, and she was quiet, what to reply to that question, both us knowing I am the patient, she is not.
During the procedure I was asleep and honestly did not remember anything! I don't know how long it lasted, what happened, if I was in pain, if I was restless.. I don't know. Sedation is the key thing, without that I wouldn't have lasted long. That's just me, maybe in some places they are not that generous with sedation, but my personal threshold for pain and discomfort is not that high and if sedation is offered, then Great. Yes please. Pre-procedure tension was definitely there, no matter what people say "relax, take it easy", it's just not going to happen. Post-procedure I felt I was anxious for nothing but as always when it is something unknown (and seeing the endoscope itself did nothing to lift my spirits..), that just to way it goes. I don't know if it gets easier if one needs to go for the 2nd or 3rd colonoscopy, for me, I think I'd be doing the exact same, getting anxious, upset etc. Funny enough, the thought of embarrassment was the least of my worries, probably because the staff received me so well, treated me professionally (apart from that tech who called me sensitive- well think about swapping places and HOW would you feel..?), with sense of humor too.
On a scale 1-10 (10 being the worst imaginable) this procedure lands in somewhere between 5-6. Pre-procedure anxiety and drinking the GoLytely achieved score 9. Sedation, which wiped an uncomfortable memory out of my mind scores 10. In fact, sedation made me feel colonoscopy never happened, therefore scoring the procedure does not feel justified, as if it never existed, it was never done.
There are always worse procedures, and easier ones, but each of us at the end react in a different way and that's just how it is. Had someone else written this, it could have, and would have been same in some parts, or not at all similar. If my writing might encourage someone, then great. But if you've gotta go for colonoscopy, go, don't leave it just because you read someone (=coward)'s story- it might not be the same at all, probably won't be.
La vida es corta..
June 19, 2009
Bad for good
Drivers.. once again I feel I have to mention few remarkable (not) driving performances:
- speed limit 70mph, and still there are those who feel they have to drive 50mph or less. they are not bothered by my flashing headlights, and that is all I have done so far. No honking the horn, no rude gestures.. yet. I'm not planning to speed, but if 70 is allowed then let me drive 70. There are two lanes, the right one traditionally for "slower moving vehicles" and the left for faster ones. Ask me why I did not overtake.. well, I don't have answer to that, but previously, every time, slower moving vehicle has moved out of the way therefore not requiring me to change from one lane to another.
- one incredible parking performance. one chap reversed just into the parking spot in front of our car and left us few inches to get our car out. This was next to sidewalk. Well we barely got out, but not before this chap got out of the car. Yellow-blue T-shirt, kind of a loser-looking guy carrying an Adidas plastic carrier bag. Needless to say he did not get his car parked correctly, it was half way out on the road, so I hope the representatives of law caught him in the act.
- once again, losers can't find the way to indicate they want to turn LEFT or RIGHT. If the indicator function is not working in the car, or one cannot find it, just point a flag outside the window and indicate which way you are going. Idiotas estupidos. How an earth did they get drivers licences..?
Good old diarrhea, it's never-ending. Burger King hamburger meal caused so many cramps and pain that I might not eat at BK for sometime. Until my intestines calm down. Cramps woke me up at night several times.. Each time I manage to prepare my own meals (fish- occasionally chicken, rice, pasta, all with minimum of spices and oil) I feel better and get through the day. Eating hamburgers etc is okay, but I've got to pay the price later.
- speed limit 70mph, and still there are those who feel they have to drive 50mph or less. they are not bothered by my flashing headlights, and that is all I have done so far. No honking the horn, no rude gestures.. yet. I'm not planning to speed, but if 70 is allowed then let me drive 70. There are two lanes, the right one traditionally for "slower moving vehicles" and the left for faster ones. Ask me why I did not overtake.. well, I don't have answer to that, but previously, every time, slower moving vehicle has moved out of the way therefore not requiring me to change from one lane to another.
- one incredible parking performance. one chap reversed just into the parking spot in front of our car and left us few inches to get our car out. This was next to sidewalk. Well we barely got out, but not before this chap got out of the car. Yellow-blue T-shirt, kind of a loser-looking guy carrying an Adidas plastic carrier bag. Needless to say he did not get his car parked correctly, it was half way out on the road, so I hope the representatives of law caught him in the act.
- once again, losers can't find the way to indicate they want to turn LEFT or RIGHT. If the indicator function is not working in the car, or one cannot find it, just point a flag outside the window and indicate which way you are going. Idiotas estupidos. How an earth did they get drivers licences..?
Good old diarrhea, it's never-ending. Burger King hamburger meal caused so many cramps and pain that I might not eat at BK for sometime. Until my intestines calm down. Cramps woke me up at night several times.. Each time I manage to prepare my own meals (fish- occasionally chicken, rice, pasta, all with minimum of spices and oil) I feel better and get through the day. Eating hamburgers etc is okay, but I've got to pay the price later.
June 02, 2009
They never returned
It is heartbreaking to hear about plane crashes such as the recent one somewhere over the Atlantic. Those poor souls vanished just like that, never to be seen again. It makes one wonder how much family, friends, relatives, co-workers really are appreciated- there will be a day when they won't be around anymore. Some may be easily forgotten, some won't be. It could be you or me one day, and probably will.. death and taxes are some of the things that happen in this life. I guess paying taxes can be avoided, somehow, in some parts of the world, but death cannot.
It just seems to arrive too early for some, and for those who'd wish for death it does not arrive early enough.
Each day reminds us of how fragile life is- no matter what.
My reminder was the yearly thyroid scan, which did not look promising as there are some "new" lymph nodes. New? I can't explain it, I don't know what they are, but one thing I know for sure: no more needles, no more biopsies, by all means bring out the scalpel and cut them out. Don't bother with biopsies. My cousin had a biopsy, sample taken from a giant tumor just below her heart. It wasn't a challenge to "find" the tumor, it was right there, but she freaked out seeing the enormous needle, which was about to catch a piece of the tumor. Yuck. I've seen those needles and they ain't pretty.
On a more positive note, daily occurring diarrhea seems to have settled- by not having any dairy and wheat. Lettuce and vegetables are still often undigested, some blood appears every now and then, but I've stopped self-diagnosing for the time being and wait patiently for the colonoscopy. Some nice sedation would be fab, could I please have a decent dose of whatever it is that you guys use there? Please?
My cousin had the same, and she said she was glad she did not know about the test beforehand. I know what it is, but at the same time I don't- I've not experienced it myself. My mind begins to build a bigger and a more serious story about colonoscopy, until it invades my dreams, turns them into nightmares and then I know I've to stop right there. Leave it. I don't even have an exact date yet.
It just seems to arrive too early for some, and for those who'd wish for death it does not arrive early enough.
Each day reminds us of how fragile life is- no matter what.
My reminder was the yearly thyroid scan, which did not look promising as there are some "new" lymph nodes. New? I can't explain it, I don't know what they are, but one thing I know for sure: no more needles, no more biopsies, by all means bring out the scalpel and cut them out. Don't bother with biopsies. My cousin had a biopsy, sample taken from a giant tumor just below her heart. It wasn't a challenge to "find" the tumor, it was right there, but she freaked out seeing the enormous needle, which was about to catch a piece of the tumor. Yuck. I've seen those needles and they ain't pretty.
On a more positive note, daily occurring diarrhea seems to have settled- by not having any dairy and wheat. Lettuce and vegetables are still often undigested, some blood appears every now and then, but I've stopped self-diagnosing for the time being and wait patiently for the colonoscopy. Some nice sedation would be fab, could I please have a decent dose of whatever it is that you guys use there? Please?
My cousin had the same, and she said she was glad she did not know about the test beforehand. I know what it is, but at the same time I don't- I've not experienced it myself. My mind begins to build a bigger and a more serious story about colonoscopy, until it invades my dreams, turns them into nightmares and then I know I've to stop right there. Leave it. I don't even have an exact date yet.
May 27, 2009
Good bye ice cream
That's it. Good bye, adios, arrivederci, ma'assalama, adieu, auf wiedersehen. No more ice cream- and this is just after realization that I had indeed found an ice cream that I love. I loe its taste, texture, color.. everything. And now I can no longer have. Dairy products are probably playing a major part in my diarrhea and it starts with ice cream. No more Baskin Robbins, Ben&Jerry..
During my days off I have been experimenting with various "foods" and trying to find out where am I going wrong. Yesterday was one of those days when I barely made it to the restroom, and since then.. hmm.. not all details need to be shared, but let's just say I was practically living in the restroom for the remaining hours of the day. Yuck.
I've always loved all kinds of dairy products, but this may be the end of the road- instead look for lactose-free products, if they'd be somehow suitable.
During my days off I have been experimenting with various "foods" and trying to find out where am I going wrong. Yesterday was one of those days when I barely made it to the restroom, and since then.. hmm.. not all details need to be shared, but let's just say I was practically living in the restroom for the remaining hours of the day. Yuck.
I've always loved all kinds of dairy products, but this may be the end of the road- instead look for lactose-free products, if they'd be somehow suitable.
May 26, 2009
Bad drivers and diarrhea
They are everywhere; bad drivers, who are self-centered and full of themselves, and ignorant of all of traffic rules. It's probably not possible to find a perfect driver in this world, but some are very very good. I guess it depends on where in the world these people learned to drive.. but some of them shouldn't drive even a bike or a child's tricycle.
What happened to the good manners on the road?
Let pedestrians cross the road in peace, if you plan on turning left, indicate "LEFT" early enough, not when you are already turned left and out of sight. If you were still in sight, you'd see me mouthing bad words and showing an international finger symbol. Where on earth did you get you drivers licence...?! By driving "straight" line for 20 yards? By bribing an officer? Either way, learn to drive. If you plan on turning the volume of car radio up to the roof, go do it someplace else, I don't share your music interests. Shout "hello" from the car and speed away, you can be sure I won't even be looking at your direction, besides driving your dad's Maxima does not impress me. Or that Mercedes that you've borrowed from your uncle.
Two teenagers in a car in Riyadh in 2002; they were following me and my friend K everywhere on that particular "shopping road". We popped into a shop, they were waiting outside. We crossed the road, they were soon after us again. The same went on for half an hour, finally I got my cellphone out of the bag and pretended to call someone. Police, my husbad, spacemen, who cares but that did the trick and the two cowards were soon on their way. Haha. I doubt they were even teenagers, they could have been below 12 years of age, joyriding on their daddy's car. Mind you, it wasn't an expensive Mercedes.
Ther have been times when I have been driving little too fast, but I have never received a ticket. I don't intend to.
Whatever the reason. Even when I have diarrhea, which nowadays happens multitude of times daily, I still don't speed. Instead, I have few spare diapers in the car. At least I can save myself from completely surrendering to diarrhea. Details of diarrhea don't need to be told here, all I can say is that I am going for colonoscopy soon. This could be related to the removal of gallbladder- but apparently not related to the old thyroid carcinoma, so that's a relief, some degree of relief anyway. In hot and humid weather it becomes a number one priority to drink and replace lost fluids..
What happened to the good manners on the road?
Let pedestrians cross the road in peace, if you plan on turning left, indicate "LEFT" early enough, not when you are already turned left and out of sight. If you were still in sight, you'd see me mouthing bad words and showing an international finger symbol. Where on earth did you get you drivers licence...?! By driving "straight" line for 20 yards? By bribing an officer? Either way, learn to drive. If you plan on turning the volume of car radio up to the roof, go do it someplace else, I don't share your music interests. Shout "hello" from the car and speed away, you can be sure I won't even be looking at your direction, besides driving your dad's Maxima does not impress me. Or that Mercedes that you've borrowed from your uncle.
Two teenagers in a car in Riyadh in 2002; they were following me and my friend K everywhere on that particular "shopping road". We popped into a shop, they were waiting outside. We crossed the road, they were soon after us again. The same went on for half an hour, finally I got my cellphone out of the bag and pretended to call someone. Police, my husbad, spacemen, who cares but that did the trick and the two cowards were soon on their way. Haha. I doubt they were even teenagers, they could have been below 12 years of age, joyriding on their daddy's car. Mind you, it wasn't an expensive Mercedes.
Ther have been times when I have been driving little too fast, but I have never received a ticket. I don't intend to.
Whatever the reason. Even when I have diarrhea, which nowadays happens multitude of times daily, I still don't speed. Instead, I have few spare diapers in the car. At least I can save myself from completely surrendering to diarrhea. Details of diarrhea don't need to be told here, all I can say is that I am going for colonoscopy soon. This could be related to the removal of gallbladder- but apparently not related to the old thyroid carcinoma, so that's a relief, some degree of relief anyway. In hot and humid weather it becomes a number one priority to drink and replace lost fluids..
May 04, 2009
I shouldn't have..
When I remember the days more than a year ago, that was the time when I had cancer. Many things changed, priorities in life, values, everything. Then months and months afterwards I began to feel more settled and thought things would get back to normal, but there was nothing that resembled that "normal" state of being. Cancer will always be part of me. Now my cousin has been diagnosed with Hodgkin's lymphoma and this brought back the memories. How did I truly feel?
Desperate, sad, ready for a battle, merciful, adventurous, challenged, hopeful.. All that and more.
During those months, living with cancer, I wanted to experience many things and prove I could still do it. Someone, who was also diagnosed with cancer, said that as long as she can walk and run, she knows she is alive. I was walking, running, traveling, doing things I had never done, as fast as I can, in a hurry. My days.. I didn't know how many were left.
Since then I have not really felt scared. Not really. Well.. yearly check-ups; body scans, blood tests.. it never gets easy, each time it brings little more distance between myself and cancer. Cancer used to dominate my life, but it no longer does it.
Other scary things: I shouldn't have been watching the movie "Hostel Part II". All that blood, violence was too much. Have any of you seen it? I nearly threw up and will probably have nightmares tonight. For once I wish I was at work at night and wouldn't need to sleep. This is not the first movie mistake, there are others too: Saw movies, Coma, Halloween, Omen, Exorcist.. And why did I watch all these..? I guess that's the adventurous part of me.. But the feeling does not last, it is like having a drink, another drink.. and one more. And then one of the worst hangovers- that's how I feel.
Desperate, sad, ready for a battle, merciful, adventurous, challenged, hopeful.. All that and more.
During those months, living with cancer, I wanted to experience many things and prove I could still do it. Someone, who was also diagnosed with cancer, said that as long as she can walk and run, she knows she is alive. I was walking, running, traveling, doing things I had never done, as fast as I can, in a hurry. My days.. I didn't know how many were left.
Since then I have not really felt scared. Not really. Well.. yearly check-ups; body scans, blood tests.. it never gets easy, each time it brings little more distance between myself and cancer. Cancer used to dominate my life, but it no longer does it.
Other scary things: I shouldn't have been watching the movie "Hostel Part II". All that blood, violence was too much. Have any of you seen it? I nearly threw up and will probably have nightmares tonight. For once I wish I was at work at night and wouldn't need to sleep. This is not the first movie mistake, there are others too: Saw movies, Coma, Halloween, Omen, Exorcist.. And why did I watch all these..? I guess that's the adventurous part of me.. But the feeling does not last, it is like having a drink, another drink.. and one more. And then one of the worst hangovers- that's how I feel.
April 13, 2009
March 28, 2009
March 21, 2009
Scared..?
What are you afraid of?
Insects, rabies, dis-ease, darkness, aliens, Komodo dragons, spiders, horror movies, lizards, snakes, death, flying, albino frogs, losing your mind, losing your temper (hah ;-) simply scared of being scared?
I am afraid and scared of many things.
When I was much younger, probably 9 or 10 years old, I went for a walk in the forest with my mother and father and little brother. We followed a path, but suddenly I saw something that did not quite belong there: snake, not moving, kind of coil shape, it did not move, but I did, I screamed and was very determined not to walk in the forest anymore. So I think we left.. Good bye forest. This is the one and only snake I have ever seen in nature and it was probably just enjoying the sun and belonged there truly more than I did.
At the Jurong reptile park my friend and I saw green iguanas (kind of giant green gecko lizards) and crocodiles. I didn't see the iguanas until it was too late. I decided to take a break and sit in a beautiful green park while my friend was taking a closer look at various reptiles. All of a sudden there was movement in the tree above my head- I turned to have a look at this unknown threat- and there it was: green scary looking iguana. Again I had to shout for help and my friend appeared, wondering why I was AGAIN in danger. I closed my eyes and she practically had to lead me out of the park enclosure by hand, I could not open my eyes. Scary stuff.
I have learned to ignore tiny spiders and ants, but lizards and snakes and other reptiles really scare me. Huh.
Insects, rabies, dis-ease, darkness, aliens, Komodo dragons, spiders, horror movies, lizards, snakes, death, flying, albino frogs, losing your mind, losing your temper (hah ;-) simply scared of being scared?
I am afraid and scared of many things.
When I was much younger, probably 9 or 10 years old, I went for a walk in the forest with my mother and father and little brother. We followed a path, but suddenly I saw something that did not quite belong there: snake, not moving, kind of coil shape, it did not move, but I did, I screamed and was very determined not to walk in the forest anymore. So I think we left.. Good bye forest. This is the one and only snake I have ever seen in nature and it was probably just enjoying the sun and belonged there truly more than I did.
At the Jurong reptile park my friend and I saw green iguanas (kind of giant green gecko lizards) and crocodiles. I didn't see the iguanas until it was too late. I decided to take a break and sit in a beautiful green park while my friend was taking a closer look at various reptiles. All of a sudden there was movement in the tree above my head- I turned to have a look at this unknown threat- and there it was: green scary looking iguana. Again I had to shout for help and my friend appeared, wondering why I was AGAIN in danger. I closed my eyes and she practically had to lead me out of the park enclosure by hand, I could not open my eyes. Scary stuff.
I have learned to ignore tiny spiders and ants, but lizards and snakes and other reptiles really scare me. Huh.
March 16, 2009
Drowning...
After work, going and saying hi to my horse is the highlight of the day. At work it is just work and dealing with people who are just waiting to stab you in the back and seeing you dying slowly. They (some of them, yes, but I am not talking about every single one of them) have this evil grin on their faces and on those days I feel annoyed, that I have to deal with losers like that. Yeah one would say I'm in a wrong job. There is an awful competition between employees in order to gain the biggest amount of "points" for the next appraisal. There are many ways to gain these points, some methods are dirtier than others, but little less unlawful, but who cares. It's those people, who like or used to like their jobs- it's them who suffer, because they have not sent 100's of "group" e-mails to others, warning them of "mistakes, errors, omissions" or other things that can go wrong and lead into disciplinary action and warnings.. I've not sent even on so called "group" e-mail, so something must be wrong with me.....?
Those people deserve to be named and shamed, but this is not the right time.. not yet.
Instead of good morning, Mr A said to me the following: "You need to concentrate on your work, there were some things that were missing..". So effing what..? I told this person to consider this was my first day in a new role, taking new responsibilities, still working with preceptor. I am not totally innocent either, will admit I made mistakes, I have made them in the past and will probably continue making them in the future, not exactly the same ones, but new ones. I kind of get the impression this person thinks he/she is perfect so what's left to say..
What else could I do in this life? I am kind of stuck right now but realize the grass is not greener on the other side either, this I have learned in the past by frequently packing my bags and moving to another place, greener pastures, which then turned out not to be so green after all.
Probably best to wait and enjoy each precious moment, that I can still spend on this earth.
My cousin was diagnosed with Hodgkin's lymphoma and on days like this when I feel annoyed and miserable and not really sure of what I am doing.. eating an Easter chocolate bunny, feeling little better after sugar fix.. but then later feeling again like I'm drowning.
Those people deserve to be named and shamed, but this is not the right time.. not yet.
Instead of good morning, Mr A said to me the following: "You need to concentrate on your work, there were some things that were missing..". So effing what..? I told this person to consider this was my first day in a new role, taking new responsibilities, still working with preceptor. I am not totally innocent either, will admit I made mistakes, I have made them in the past and will probably continue making them in the future, not exactly the same ones, but new ones. I kind of get the impression this person thinks he/she is perfect so what's left to say..
What else could I do in this life? I am kind of stuck right now but realize the grass is not greener on the other side either, this I have learned in the past by frequently packing my bags and moving to another place, greener pastures, which then turned out not to be so green after all.
Probably best to wait and enjoy each precious moment, that I can still spend on this earth.
My cousin was diagnosed with Hodgkin's lymphoma and on days like this when I feel annoyed and miserable and not really sure of what I am doing.. eating an Easter chocolate bunny, feeling little better after sugar fix.. but then later feeling again like I'm drowning.
March 13, 2009
One Day
Blood red beautiful sky and one of the coldest mornings... Morning walk in Hyde Park, ready for another day.
March 04, 2009
Verbal abuse
Incredible.. Yet another patient's relative/family member/whatever accused me of not helping their family member, who was a patient at the time. Patient himself was fabulous, did not ask for anything extra, was extremely well educated, civilized.. but this woman; hatred and flash of anger in her eyes she TOLD me to go and help the patient. I did what I was TOLD and the patient thanked me. Afterwards I said to the woman that her tone of voice is not appreciated at all and that I would be very grateful if she did not speak to me in the same way ever again. Never.
That night I never saw her again, thanks be to God. There is no need being so rude, ever, to anyone. Patients' verbal attacks can somehow be tolerated, but not families' or relatives'. Patients are sick after all, few rude words don't matter as much if they come from their mouths- but rude and nasty ungrateful family members don't get my sympathy.
I would do well putting this attack behind me, but they seem to go on and on, because not many stand up for themselves and just continue almost welcoming the abuse. I'm not saying ALL of us are guilty, but majority of us are. I've had my share of abuse, clients/customers/patients calling me names ("you are not very nice", devil, b....d, idiot, loser, f..k off and many other colorful expressions.. people are just so so creative, haha). No physical abuse, but few instances where we've had to restrain uncooperative clients.
When you travel to e.g. the UK, you can see welcoming signs of "Abuse is not tolerated" etc at the airport, train, bus. So when you try very hard not to speak in disrespectful way to a bus driver or customs official, then why isn't there same policy for nasty relatives and family members in hospitals..? Perhaps there is one, but only in certain countries. Definitely not in ours.
But I am fed up being treated like a maid and slave and will continue to stand up for myself.
There are not enough of loving kind words in this world.
That night I never saw her again, thanks be to God. There is no need being so rude, ever, to anyone. Patients' verbal attacks can somehow be tolerated, but not families' or relatives'. Patients are sick after all, few rude words don't matter as much if they come from their mouths- but rude and nasty ungrateful family members don't get my sympathy.
I would do well putting this attack behind me, but they seem to go on and on, because not many stand up for themselves and just continue almost welcoming the abuse. I'm not saying ALL of us are guilty, but majority of us are. I've had my share of abuse, clients/customers/patients calling me names ("you are not very nice", devil, b....d, idiot, loser, f..k off and many other colorful expressions.. people are just so so creative, haha). No physical abuse, but few instances where we've had to restrain uncooperative clients.
When you travel to e.g. the UK, you can see welcoming signs of "Abuse is not tolerated" etc at the airport, train, bus. So when you try very hard not to speak in disrespectful way to a bus driver or customs official, then why isn't there same policy for nasty relatives and family members in hospitals..? Perhaps there is one, but only in certain countries. Definitely not in ours.
But I am fed up being treated like a maid and slave and will continue to stand up for myself.
There are not enough of loving kind words in this world.
February 06, 2009
Animal Cruelty
Not long ago I read about a drunken woman, who got irritated at her dog's constant barking, so she threw the dog off the balcony, down 12 floors and the dog died instantly.
At first I was angry, then disgusted and then again angry. Who on earth can do something like this? Public humiliation would be just about right, as well as a fine (not just few dollars, but thousands) and a jail sentence. Publish this monster's name in the local newspaper. Let her see the remains of what is left of the poor dog.
Dog, or any animal for that matter is not disposable. Being drunk is not an excuse. Stop drinking, if that state of mind causes worst qualities of a person to surface.
Lashes and jail, that's what I think this woman deserves.
It's just an animal- yes, animal, but no one has the right to end an animal's life this way. Or another human being's.
At first I was angry, then disgusted and then again angry. Who on earth can do something like this? Public humiliation would be just about right, as well as a fine (not just few dollars, but thousands) and a jail sentence. Publish this monster's name in the local newspaper. Let her see the remains of what is left of the poor dog.
Dog, or any animal for that matter is not disposable. Being drunk is not an excuse. Stop drinking, if that state of mind causes worst qualities of a person to surface.
Lashes and jail, that's what I think this woman deserves.
It's just an animal- yes, animal, but no one has the right to end an animal's life this way. Or another human being's.
February 02, 2009
February 01, 2009
How to recognize depression?
Depression.. I don't recognize signs of depression easily, especially if it is my own, and even this time the signs sneaked in through the back door. When nights become too long, sleep does not arrive and it is easier to stay at home and stare at the TV and over-eat and cry, then something needs to be done. We all have different coping mechanisms and ways to deal with it. One talks to therapist, one stays the same, another has prescription of antidepressants. Whatever works..
I belong to the last group. Back on antidepressants, which I really didn't want, but "we" agreed to give it a go. We= me and my doc. Depression is an illness too, but it's often kept quiet and I am not wondering why.
For sure it is easier to go and break a leg, walk around with crutches for some time, and voila- healed.
Depression- not quite the same, but there have been countless books and stories written of depression, and many "famous" people too have suffered of depression. Still, people read these fascinating stories, thinking thank God it wasn't me, and thinking that they are totally immune to the same dis-ease. It can happen to anyone and I didn't expect it to return twice.
Once I managed without medication, this time I don't feel I can do it. Crazy situation. We'll see and check again after nine weeks or so. Last time meds began working within a week (psychological effect no doubt), but that was fine, no questions asked. Right now my mind is very quiet.
Regardless, my life is tolerable, even fun at times, everything in moderation is the key word for 2009.
I belong to the last group. Back on antidepressants, which I really didn't want, but "we" agreed to give it a go. We= me and my doc. Depression is an illness too, but it's often kept quiet and I am not wondering why.
For sure it is easier to go and break a leg, walk around with crutches for some time, and voila- healed.
Depression- not quite the same, but there have been countless books and stories written of depression, and many "famous" people too have suffered of depression. Still, people read these fascinating stories, thinking thank God it wasn't me, and thinking that they are totally immune to the same dis-ease. It can happen to anyone and I didn't expect it to return twice.
Once I managed without medication, this time I don't feel I can do it. Crazy situation. We'll see and check again after nine weeks or so. Last time meds began working within a week (psychological effect no doubt), but that was fine, no questions asked. Right now my mind is very quiet.
Regardless, my life is tolerable, even fun at times, everything in moderation is the key word for 2009.
January 30, 2009
January 20, 2009
Questions
What will happen after we die?
Why isn't there any hot water in the house?
Why did my neighbor eat turkey slices from the fridge?
Does the truth always need to be told as it is?
Why does blood pressure reading go up to the sky when we visit our doctors?
Do the Martians really and truly exist?
Why does it hurt?
What is actually happening here?
Who cares?
Why isn't there any hot water in the house?
Why did my neighbor eat turkey slices from the fridge?
Does the truth always need to be told as it is?
Why does blood pressure reading go up to the sky when we visit our doctors?
Do the Martians really and truly exist?
Why does it hurt?
What is actually happening here?
Who cares?
January 16, 2009
Rain, cold, fog- guess where in the world I am?
At least I am alive. Travelling across the world on a so called vacation, taking each day as it comes. Catching flights and finding myself spending too much cash and overusing credit cards. Where is the credit crunch? It did not hit me yet. There are too many problems to solve, but they can wait.
Vacations are meant to be enjoyed.
Boycott Foie Gras. If you have been watching the news this week, you'll have seen how they force-feed ducks and geese and it looks just intolerable. This one was filmed in Hungary. Tesco sells this force-fed foie gras in Hungary, yuck. I'll be boycotting Tesco too until they stop selling this poison. Yeah some say it is a delicacy, but the way it is produced sucks big time.
It is cold, it is foggy, misty, dark, miserable, but it is still time off and that's fabulous. More vacations please.
Vacations are meant to be enjoyed.
Boycott Foie Gras. If you have been watching the news this week, you'll have seen how they force-feed ducks and geese and it looks just intolerable. This one was filmed in Hungary. Tesco sells this force-fed foie gras in Hungary, yuck. I'll be boycotting Tesco too until they stop selling this poison. Yeah some say it is a delicacy, but the way it is produced sucks big time.
It is cold, it is foggy, misty, dark, miserable, but it is still time off and that's fabulous. More vacations please.
January 12, 2009
Common People
A friend of mine lives in an old house house with her family; husband and three kids. She was once a friend of mine, until we went our separate ways, but during school years she was a friend. Another friend (she is still a friend of mine, and has been since I was 9 years old!) shares her own house with dogs- no husband, no kids. As for me, no kids, no husband, no dogs.. but a boyfriend and a horse.
Who would have known how live will turn out back in 1970's.. We have made our choices.
Who would have known how live will turn out back in 1970's.. We have made our choices.
January 06, 2009
Smiley faces advertising pain
I hate those smiley well groomed beautiful people advertising painful experiences. Come to our clinic for a painful examination, we promise to make it enjoyable. Along those lines. Cold metal instruments, shiny polished stainless steel surfaces fill me and many others with terror. Examination tables that look like they are frequently used for torture sessions- not for making people feel better. What about that previously symphatetic friendly doctor, who carries on with an examination and a terrified patient begs him/her to stop? Because it is too awful, too painful, too overwhelming. "Just a minute, it will be over soon". When it finally is over, it is too late.
Patients/clients. One look at the shiny metal instruments and the first thought is to RUN away NOW, save your life. But wait a minute, am I not here to save my own life.. but why does it need to hurt like hell?
Wound drain- my own experience tells me not all drains or plastic tubes sticking out of a surgical wound are painful. They may be necessary, but not always painful. Sometimes they are. Depends of the material they are made of, location of the tube and yes, it might depend on the skill of the medical professional, who decided to bury it in "there". Some more superficial drain slide out easily, some need a bit more work to get them out. Once they are out, the relief is almost instant- that is the removal process has been painless or effortless. Out they come, who'd want to drag a drain in them for the rest of their lives?
Cold metal instruments- my pet hate. They fill me with this "endoftheworldiscomingandnothingcanchangeitgottarunrunrunrunrun"-feeling and nothing can stop it. I guess part of it depends on why/how/where these instruments are going to be used. Dental instruments. Dreadful. Vaginal speculum is a big no-no. Don't even try. Nasal speculum. Not any better. Surgical instruments: scalpels, knives, forceps, tenaculums etc. Under anesthesia one does not much care, but seeing the instruments and their cold lifeless skin on the table in the morning sun is not at all uplifting. Scissors, dilators, kidney basins, hooks, retractors, screws.
Are these for used for torture?
Sterile packs- once you open them, the secret is out. Who'd honestly want to see the contents?
My problem and the biggest challenge is to stop questioning. One I start I can't stop. Why this one? What is this used for? Endless list of questions. What is the benefit of this procedure? Will it be painful? Who would not want to be in control when it comes to their health? Who would not want to have the option to say no? Why not ask for a second opinion? Explanation? Do I have the right to say no?
What if I don't have my teeth checked this year? I feel fine, the teeth look "ok", no toothache, no problems. What if I am so scared of another cancer diagnosis that I don't go for the yearly thyroid scan? What if I think I don't need a cervical smear because the last one years ago was painful and humiliating and scary and I don't want any more pain? What if I don't want to take part of this year's screening tests, because stepping into a clinic or hospital and simply seeing a stethoscope fills me with utter helplessness and terror? Is this an attitude problem, being ignorant and arrogant or just being scared?
It is a blessing to be healthy, not to have to undergo painful and more or less undignified examinations. Thank God. But when it is necessary to search for a cure or relief, then we all need to have all the necessary information and alternatives to make an informed decision about the treatment. What are the consequences not to go for treatment? What if one has had an awful painful experience and there is no way they are ready to undergo the same again? Will this painful treatment cure me or just give me few more pain filled years? Painless treatment is of course somewhat easier to accept than a painful one.
Cyberspace is full of stories of painful experiences, some of them can even be encouraging- an individual survived somehow, why not me? More stories every day. Some of them so desperate, lonely, sad, drowning. How did this person go through an experience like this, and is now so traumatized that there is no way out? People, who have received an urgent appointment, but no explanation as to why. Urgent? Is this dead serious or just a routine appointment? People, who have had a procedure done, but had no help or support, because it was all too "sterile and impersonal"? People, who read a letter saying you have something "serious" going on, here's your urgent appointment, take ibuprofen and come as you are. Never mind that you get to wait two weeks for the "urgent" appointment.
Traumatized by an experience in hospital, whether it was you or someone you know.
Come to think of it, I might still attend my screening tests, but because the doc decided a sedative is not needed even though I am scared to death, I might just have some cognac. It keeps me warm, I hope, It makes me relaxed, I hope. It won't make my breath stink, I hope or make me lose my balance and fall, I hope.
My share of painful experiences.
Patients/clients. One look at the shiny metal instruments and the first thought is to RUN away NOW, save your life. But wait a minute, am I not here to save my own life.. but why does it need to hurt like hell?
Wound drain- my own experience tells me not all drains or plastic tubes sticking out of a surgical wound are painful. They may be necessary, but not always painful. Sometimes they are. Depends of the material they are made of, location of the tube and yes, it might depend on the skill of the medical professional, who decided to bury it in "there". Some more superficial drain slide out easily, some need a bit more work to get them out. Once they are out, the relief is almost instant- that is the removal process has been painless or effortless. Out they come, who'd want to drag a drain in them for the rest of their lives?
Cold metal instruments- my pet hate. They fill me with this "endoftheworldiscomingandnothingcanchangeitgottarunrunrunrunrun"-feeling and nothing can stop it. I guess part of it depends on why/how/where these instruments are going to be used. Dental instruments. Dreadful. Vaginal speculum is a big no-no. Don't even try. Nasal speculum. Not any better. Surgical instruments: scalpels, knives, forceps, tenaculums etc. Under anesthesia one does not much care, but seeing the instruments and their cold lifeless skin on the table in the morning sun is not at all uplifting. Scissors, dilators, kidney basins, hooks, retractors, screws.
Are these for used for torture?
Sterile packs- once you open them, the secret is out. Who'd honestly want to see the contents?
My problem and the biggest challenge is to stop questioning. One I start I can't stop. Why this one? What is this used for? Endless list of questions. What is the benefit of this procedure? Will it be painful? Who would not want to be in control when it comes to their health? Who would not want to have the option to say no? Why not ask for a second opinion? Explanation? Do I have the right to say no?
What if I don't have my teeth checked this year? I feel fine, the teeth look "ok", no toothache, no problems. What if I am so scared of another cancer diagnosis that I don't go for the yearly thyroid scan? What if I think I don't need a cervical smear because the last one years ago was painful and humiliating and scary and I don't want any more pain? What if I don't want to take part of this year's screening tests, because stepping into a clinic or hospital and simply seeing a stethoscope fills me with utter helplessness and terror? Is this an attitude problem, being ignorant and arrogant or just being scared?
It is a blessing to be healthy, not to have to undergo painful and more or less undignified examinations. Thank God. But when it is necessary to search for a cure or relief, then we all need to have all the necessary information and alternatives to make an informed decision about the treatment. What are the consequences not to go for treatment? What if one has had an awful painful experience and there is no way they are ready to undergo the same again? Will this painful treatment cure me or just give me few more pain filled years? Painless treatment is of course somewhat easier to accept than a painful one.
Cyberspace is full of stories of painful experiences, some of them can even be encouraging- an individual survived somehow, why not me? More stories every day. Some of them so desperate, lonely, sad, drowning. How did this person go through an experience like this, and is now so traumatized that there is no way out? People, who have received an urgent appointment, but no explanation as to why. Urgent? Is this dead serious or just a routine appointment? People, who have had a procedure done, but had no help or support, because it was all too "sterile and impersonal"? People, who read a letter saying you have something "serious" going on, here's your urgent appointment, take ibuprofen and come as you are. Never mind that you get to wait two weeks for the "urgent" appointment.
Traumatized by an experience in hospital, whether it was you or someone you know.
Come to think of it, I might still attend my screening tests, but because the doc decided a sedative is not needed even though I am scared to death, I might just have some cognac. It keeps me warm, I hope, It makes me relaxed, I hope. It won't make my breath stink, I hope or make me lose my balance and fall, I hope.
My share of painful experiences.
January 03, 2009
Shift work
Can you think of anything that messes up your system, more than shift work? Come to think of it, yes, why not, there's an endless list of things that do just the same: tobacco, alcohol, firearms, narcotic drugs, over and under-eating, having no friends, being depressed, being lonely, being kicked by a horse, divorce.. so much out there. Horse issues.. I know of those, I own one. Depression, I know the feeling too. Being depressed and not recognizing it yourself, that sucks. Being on antidepressants and realizing there is sunshine and little more happiness and being at ease each day. But talking about the topic of shift work (also known as "shit work" when typo occurs, or a generalized "I hate my Shift Work" feeling persists)..
A regular 9-5 job has never felt suitable for me. Neither has a weird three shifts/24hrs. Night shifts- yes sir, those I love, but mix them with days, nights and more days and nights, that does not do it for me. No satisfaction. We are obviously talking about hospital work. Dreary old hospital work. Don't get me wrong, not all aspects of hospital work fill me with disgust, but arguments about shift work never cease. Night shifts all the time! I am a night owl and even at the time, way past midnite, I am up and awake and browsing the internet, listening to music, chicken in the oven, terribly cold outside, but I am HAPPY to have this early hour just for myself. All because of day/night etc pattern totally messing up my system and my brain is telling me to sleep during the daylight hours and stay up all night until 5am.
Sweet dreams, whenever you choose to sleep.
A regular 9-5 job has never felt suitable for me. Neither has a weird three shifts/24hrs. Night shifts- yes sir, those I love, but mix them with days, nights and more days and nights, that does not do it for me. No satisfaction. We are obviously talking about hospital work. Dreary old hospital work. Don't get me wrong, not all aspects of hospital work fill me with disgust, but arguments about shift work never cease. Night shifts all the time! I am a night owl and even at the time, way past midnite, I am up and awake and browsing the internet, listening to music, chicken in the oven, terribly cold outside, but I am HAPPY to have this early hour just for myself. All because of day/night etc pattern totally messing up my system and my brain is telling me to sleep during the daylight hours and stay up all night until 5am.
Sweet dreams, whenever you choose to sleep.
January 02, 2009
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