Happy New Year

Once again, a year that was just beginning, has ended and each of us are a year older and wiser.
May this coming year be prosperous and lucky one for all, happy 2009.

I am off to work, no champagne parties for me.

Love hurts

I remember who said it first, the words "I love you". It was him. In a text message- but there it was, loud and clear. Not many people have said those words and meant what they've said. But this one was different. He said it first. The words were staring at me and I was staring at them, but they were there, they did not disappear and to this day, I still have the message in my phone. These days, we say it, text it, e-mail it. The love has grown into something beautiful and extraordinary- no love like this exists anywhere except between us.
One could say I am lucky to have experienced this kind of love. Some people may never experience love. But.. once you have felt love like this in your heart, it is so so so awful to give it up. You want to keep it in your heart forever, no matter what happens. Life's challenges and disappointments, finding out things from the past, fearing the future, living together, loving like there is no tomorrow. Can the love last?
Love brings a smile onto my face, makes me feel safe and happy and radiant, all at the same time. I like this feeling- just living for today, being in love today, being happy today.

Does love hurt...? Maybe, if it becomes an obsession, or it is taken away from you. Or if it somehow ends. But like in all fairytales, love doesn't end and everyone lives happily ever after.

Flat tire

Not long ago I bought new tires for my car. They were worn out, spare tire too didn't look too good. But now it seems that we have a traitor in our midst- someone is sneaking in and vandalizing our cars. The first target being my car- releasing air from the tires. Revenge is sweet! It does not make sense that just one of the tires is always empty, the very same tire. But before accusing the gardener or cleaner or neighbor for it, I will investigate.

It's the thought

My back is breaking, but it isn't broken just yet. It just feels that way, when the sleep does not come, the bed feels uncomfortable, it is either too hot or too cold. Disbelief, alarm clock at 0510am- did I sleep after all? The same feeling; shattered, broken and fatigued. Time to slow down..

1. Relax and sleep
2. Listen to music
3. Enjoy the sun and cold winter mornings
4. Ask God, it always works

Every day is yours, use it the way you like, but don't abuse it.
When the sleep does not come, I remember a lot of negative stuff; how the boss shouted and screamed and made me cry. How my co-worker was busy pointing her finger at my mistakes and by then I had had enough and left. Not literally to the left, but waved good-bye and found myself in a new environment. These days, I do not tolerate abuse, the threshold is now extremely low. All this reflects on the quality of life and things become unbearably miserable when work and life in general sucks. One can read so many self-help guides and have counseling and hypnotherapy... one day, MIRACLE, you have traveled from A to B and you have arrived. All what is in the past stays there and does no longer surface. At least not each and every day.
I don't have to feel low and miserable. I'm not inferior to the guy next to me. I choose the life I lead, I choose the people I spend my time with. I trust in God and leave bigger issues in life for God. I don't feel the need to constantly please people, observing them observe me and my actions and reactions.

It would be just great if every day was about being human, kind, caring, relaxed, assertive when necessary, finding a friendly word for everyone.. one of my colleagues told me it is just about creating this warm comfortable space around you, and letting this attract people with similar qualities.. Days like this, empty pages in the weblog- I feel I'm getting closer and closer of understanding all this.. ALL and EVERYTHING.

Shame on you!

Long ago.. at East Dulwich Sainsbury's in London:

My friend Amber told me the story- here goes: She was shopping for groceries, some bread, eggs, milk, the usual stuff, and some chocolate and cupcakes, because she has a sweet tooth. While she was getting ready to pay, two people lined up behind her, nice looking couple. My friend's thought was let's get this done, pack her bags and go home.. until she heard the most unimaginable: these two people were speaking her native language, and the woman was pointing at my friend's groceries "Look at that girl, what she is buying". Yeah, meaning the cupcakes, croissants, chocolates etc that she was buying. My friend was stunned into silence, but after half a minute regained her senses, turned to look at the woman (who was not Miss World beauty lookalike either) and asked "What is it that you said?"- in their common native language. The woman looked like she would want to take her words back and for the ground to swallow her, but what's once given (i.e. nasty words) cannot be taken back just like that. the man, much wiser, kept quiet, but at the end said "My wife did not mean that".
Yes, the lesson was learned- both parties. My friend learned that an overweight, plump, fat person has no room in this world, in the eyes of this "handsome couple". But she persevered, lost pounds and pounds of weight and looks happy and healthy nowadays. And she hopes that these two people learned not make comments like this- one day it may land you into big trouble. Come to think of it, my friend did the right thing.
I think a public humiliation would have been the right way to go- and today, 11 years later, we are here to tell the story. Amber shared her story with her housemate Nancy, who thought this was plain stupid. Watch out when you open your mouth and speak in a language that no one around you can understand- there may still be someone out there; that old lady, this plump young woman, the man next to you, the nurse behind you...

Flowers

Addicted

to.. nothing specific. I love to sleep. At the very beginning, when I was home from the hospital, I couldn't really sleep and woke up irritated, sweaty and restless. In the middle of the night I woke up covered in sweat and there was no way I would get up from under the duvet and feel the cold. No way. In time, these sweaty periods ceased and I could sleep. Healing took place during the night, I could feel it, visualize it. I drank water and imagined how the wounds began the healing process, from the tissues deeper, toward the skin. Then the sleep began to escape me and I was up until 1am, easily. Understandably I then slept until 11am and wondered why the days pass by so quick.
I am back into more or less normal rhythm now, but it's not set in stone and I still love to wake up later than 7am.

Other than that, I love being in love. I miss him when he is not here, I miss him as soon as he leaves the house and goes to work. I miss him when he is out with the boys. Seriously.

I still love to eat. Delicious meals that we share, me and him. My cooking skills have improved a lot and I have actually learned to like cooking. Setting up the table, serving the food. Eating mmmmm... Yummy.

Writing a book

Dear all

Some of you know about my recent operation- it seems like a distant memory, therefore thinking about it as a "minor" operation is fine.
After suffering from abdominal pain for quite some time, I failed to diagnose my own condition as cholecystitis i.e. inflammation of the gallbladder. Today, a week later, I am free of pain, have had major clear out in my house, with the assistance of someone very special.. and I am doing very well.

Due to my experiences as patient, rather than as caregiver myself, I began to think about writing a book, it has a working title of "Experiences of Life and Death".
I began writing short stories about the most beautiful and memorable moments in my life so far, and some of not so pleasant moments. It could be about anything, holiday of a lifetime, your daily job- how much you enjoy it, precious gift you have been given, near death experience, facing your fears, healing process.
Anything. Any length, from two sentences to two pages. I am looking for people from all walks of life, anywhere. You can even write in you native language and I can get it translated.

I would be most grateful for any help, any written material that you'd be happy for me to publish. I plan to get the book published in the UK, but I need to get something written up before submitting anything for my agent.
If you know of family members, friends, relatives who would like to contribute, please let them know.

Kind regards
Sat Atma Kaur

Delightful creature

The doggie came in to say Hi. And Bye. But awww he's gorgeous and so lovely, when the winter gets cold, it's nice to cuddle up with him. Real animal therapy :)

Shadow world

Have you ever wondered how it really feels like to fall asleep.. those precious seconds just before one falls asleep? How does it really feel? Light as feathers, like a warm slow wind on your skin, kind of standing on a bridge?
What if you don't feel like sleeping? You feel tired, but something keeps pulling you back from the border of sleep and the state of awareness?
Inducing sleep: in general anesthesia. "Sweet dreams", someone above you says. You see the mask approaching, the mask is pressed on you face and oxygen begins to flow. You try not to inhale, but finally succumb. Something white enters your vein, feels hot, but the same time comforting. You sleep. Next time you wake up, it is all over.

I was asleep. Laparoscopic (=keyhole) Cholecystectomy to remove a gallbladder and it's contents i.e. stones. Gallbladder gone, incredible upper abdominal pain gone, just tiny wounds left on the abdomen. In my earlier post "24 hours" I did actually suffer from chest pain, or so I thought- it was so convincing. But then three days later, the pain was too much, could simply not be controlled at home. Two nights at work, I kept on thinking I have indigestion and suffered in silence. Boyfriend was concerned and just wanted me up and smiling and being happy again. Six days in hospital, and the damage has been fixed. Physical body, yes, but what about the other bodies and minds? Recovery takes time.

By all means study and learn more about gallstones, people experience dfferent types of symptoms. Some never need any treatment. Some do, and antibiotics and painkillers and modifying the diet can be all that's needed. But don't let it get that far that you are in hospital bed begging for Morphine to take away the pain. I can honestly say it was one of the worst kind of pain I have ever had- and now that my gallbladder has gone, I won't have the same pain. Now experimenting with the diet will begin and some things may work, some don't and then I'll simply try to avoid those foods that don't agree with my body.. That phase has already began. Chocolate does not work, nor do excess doses of rye bread.

But sleep.. Sleeping has been uncomfortable. Hospital bed resembles torture device and killed my back. I am slowly stretching my back into its normal shape. Abdominal wounds still cause some tightness and funny tingling and don't allow me to sleep the way I normally do. I wake up covered in sweat. Is this still the part of my body getting rid of antibiotics and other not so friendly substances I was given in hospital?
Sleep.. is it a resting phase or do we actually practice dying while we sleep? Part of the post-operative recovery process at home it occurred to me I could have died. But then I could have died when I drove my car last week. Or something, somewhere, some place else. Death. It came as a shock, realization that I could have stayed asleep, never waking up. Dying so far from home. Would anyone remember me? How does it feel, is it just like falling asleep? And where do we go..? What if we become ghosts in the world between this one and next one? The world of shadows? Is death dark and scary?
Those people, who have already passed on; our family members, relatives, friends- will we meet them? There are my grandparents, aunt, Nora the dog.. so many.. Will we meet again? Life is not for an eternity, not here- but the life after this? Will we live?

I am feeling better, no longer having these thoughts, not that much. Every moment counts. Every moment is precious and there is still some time left. This moment, this second, this minute. Every text message I send to my boyfriend, it all counts. Every beautiful ray of the sun. Every bite of a delicious pancake. Smell of freshly mowed grass. Smile of a stranger. My giant horse trying to get a cuddle. Raindrop on my skin. Kindness in the world. Beautiful painting. Delicious risotto.Smell of a rainforest. Softness of velvet.

Prayer works. I talk to God more and more, give thanks every day. Amen.

I can see you

24 hours

1420 Abdominal pain begins and gets worse over the next four hours. Dull ache, constant, very much on top of the pain scale. The pain finally finds its final resting place in the patient's chest and radiates to the neck every now and then.
1755 Time to call the MD. 12 lead EKG done, blood tests too that detect a presence of heart attack. MD chats with the patient, reassures and the patient decides it is best to take off and go home. Patient's calls a friend, who agrees to go for a drive home.
1820 Home: patient takes OTC (over the counter) meds, which bring no relief whatsoever.
1845 Decision is made to visit the ER. Painkillers are not helping at all.
1910 ER registration process begins and the patient is taken for chest x-ray, blood tests, medications are given- they finally kick the pain away. But chewable Aspirin tastes foul and throwing up is closer than ever before. Sublingual Nitro is God send, and within five minutes or so the pain is completely gone. Dull ache, which is almost pleasant, remains. MD and few RN's come and check vital signs. Oxygen on, heart monitor on and off we go to the cardiac in-patient unit. At least one night of obervation, blood tests, EKG's ahead.
MIDNIGHT Not much sleep. Blood test.
0300 It's cold, patient asks for another blanket. Please. Toes are frozen.
0430 Blood tests.
0530 Is it time..? Not yet. Sleep for another hour.
0630 Next shift of hospital personnel begins their duty at work. Where is HE? And more blood tests.

Next few hours bring visits from several MD's, nurses etc and eventually HE also arrives with delicious breakfast.
High cholesterol levels, but no sign of heart attack.

1500 Home! It has been hard. Not enough sleep, more than enough pain. Shock of learning that the cholesterol levels are not optimal, but at least with a good diet they may improve.

There were my latest 24 hours or so, it was me having the pain.. Glad and relieved to be back home and all people involved, they were incredibly nice, all the doctors, nurses etc. Even more relieved that the pain turned out NOT to be a heart attack.

Living without cancer

People often ask me how I feel now, as a recovered cancer patient? These are not the specific words they use, but something along the line. Every time it is still a surprise, depending on my my mood how I answer. I've even denied the fact I ever had cancer and why not, there are no scars or old injuries to be seen unless you know where to look. Most people don't bother. How do I feel?
Happy, delighted, ecstatic, relieved, stressed (yes, after the questions start, I do feel stressed and annoyed), angry, bored..? I usually just say I'm fine, thanks (hahaaa depends of course my mood).

How did I get cancer in the first place? Does it just appear like that, like a flu? Or was I exposed to post-Chernobyl conditions in 1986? Why me? How do I live now- is my life somehow meaningless and empty without clinic appointments, operations, blood tests, scans..?
No way. I don't know how I got cancer, but all I know I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's thyroiditis and an underactive thyroid in 2001 and since then it has been a constant battle with hair loss, weight gain and loss, fatigue, depression, brittle nails, dry skin, endless fatigue.... Mostly a downhill journey. Iyengar yoga arrived as a rescue in early 2002 and after just a couple yoga classes I felt 100% better- compared to what I felt weeks before yoga. I thought it was a miracle cure, one without medical intervention and it was always a pleasure to see my Dr's face when he asked what "miracle" medication I am on. No meds, just yoga.
It was often an endless battle between me and the Dr, help "should" (remove this word from the vocabulary, it stinks and sounds so so negative) be sought from traditional medications, not from this weird alternative stuff.
Years after, from one continent to another, years in the UK, France, the Middle East, I qualified as Kundalini Yoga Teacher in 2006. One of the best moments in my life, by Guru's grace. These years were healing, but not in any way kind at the beginning. One step forward, one back, all the emotions were there and until I learned to recognize them and deal with them, not just hide the in a closet, only then some progress was made. Meditating once in candle light for 2.5 hours, I did not believe I had progressed at all, but those hours ended as always and not everything was the same day after.
Awareness..
At first it felt unbearable, this constant alertness, feeling of a flow. Seeing everything in more detail. Trees, landscapes, animals, lakes- nature in general. Cardboard boxes and concrete buildings were lifeless. Organic food began to taste delicious. Breathwalk came into my life (see www.breathwalk.com or more details) and Albuterol inhaler soon belonged to the past. Lots of these things. Natural methods of healing.

Again, years later, I was awoken by a feeling that something in my body is not right. Years of healing, years of unhealthy diet and lack of exercise, years before yoga and the newly developed awareness brought my life into standstill. Numerous tests followed soon after; thyroid scan, ultrasound and three painful biopsies and blood tests later the diagnosis was clear. To me, yes. To the clueless Dr it was not clear at all. I knew, i knew right away.
September 2007: the first operation and the diagnosis was clear- even to the stubborn Dr.
January 2008: the second op, and it was finally clear. Life continues without the thyroid and several lymph nodes.

Life is ok, I feel fine. Every day is precious, even when work sucks big time, even when I have failed to meditate and do my daily exercise. One day is a misery for someone, delight for another one.

Life after cancer, even fearing a recurrence, is ok. I ride my horse, chat with my cat and feel things on a much deeper level. My compassion is not endless, not towards myself, even though I am much kinder now. Something tells me I know how I got this cancer- it was when I invited it in, to stay in my body, when the circumstances were too much to handle and i needed an escape. Anger gives you cancer- this is what I remember Yogi Bhajan saying. True, I was furious, not angry.
Can cancer then release this anger? Feeling so ill, vulnerable, lonely, cancer is not a good company. Thoughts of rescuing myself, but how.. Under the knife, medications and life long investigations, scans, tablets, injections. There is no way you can say you know, because you don't know how I felt then. No one did. One cancer experience is not the same as the textbook experience.
Chernobyl might have played a part, as well as my work in "radioactive" environment. Family history- maybe. The Gulf War, maybe.

Life goes on, one day at the time. Today may not be so good, so full of sunshine, not enough sympathy, but tomorrow may be better. I need to remind myself abot this. Cancer may belong to the past, but part of the experience remains. I have been cautious to say these words, but there must have been something that yoga taught me, and this "something" (awareness?) saved my life.

Life up in the Alps certainly brought many experiences and plenty of fresh air and I am grateful for those weeks I spent in France. It was never easy, but I always came back feeling truly happy. Is there a better place for yoga in this world? In my childhood I read about these yoga "masters" and saw pictures about incredibly flexible bodies. Me and my horseback riding body type, "yoga ain't for me". So you cannot know what life brings. Without yoga I probably would not be here. Without my job I wouldn't be working in the Middle East, in Europe, in Asia.
It is safe to say I would not have met the man I love, if it wasn't for the scar in my neck. Without that we wouldn't have had anything to talk about.

I can live without cancer, I was having challenging time living with it, but it was after all part of life and part of the learning process. One completed cycle in the washing machine.

Awake...at 11am

What a relief, day off.. many plans, but then as always I end up sleeping late and half of the day is gone. No matter, day at work have been so busy recently and days off are the only days for cathing up with lost sleep, rest.. and trying to keep the house tidy. I live in the midst of a mess.
Sitting here, enjoying the +30 c something temperature, eating almonds, listening to BBC World news, updating the weblog.. What could be more fun on a day off? Aaaahhh.. sleeping of course- and spending time with my man... and so many other things..

Looking forward to my next vacation- to Europe in November. And again, to Europe, via Asia, in January. And of course these occasional days in the Gulf countries- yes count me in. Travel is fun, but finding a reasonably priced 4 star hotel is not. And when The Man travels next year, I intend to be there with him, if not the whole month, at least a week.

13:48

13 minutes, 48 seconds, this is how long I lasted on a treadmill. How unfit I am, how did this happen.. the price of laziness, illness.. New day, new chance tomorrow. I'll keep on trying.

See the colors

"Through selfless service, you will always be fruitful and find the fulfillment of your desires- this is the promise of the creator."
- Bhagavad-Gita

It is here!

Just when you think it's all ok, it's just that.
More questions, less answers, and feeling that you can be happy with this. Acceptance, that whatever is one its way, is ok too.
You read someone else's weblog, thinking that this person really and truly nailed it. They could be your words, your life.
My million dollar (or riyal) question is: had the cancer returned? I've been feeling so.. it cannot be explained, but I felt the same before. This feeling is there, in the back of my mind and it can't and does not allow ignorance. But no more needles, no more medications, no more stupid policies and procedures. I've had enough. Today is ok, tomorrow too, I'm still here.

Long road ahead

This one's on the causeway somewhere between Saudi Arabia and Bahrain. I have always been fascinated by bridges and other huge structures- I could not have become an architect or anything like that, because I was lousy at maths, physics, chemistry.. I was dyslexic and still am, but can admire people who plan, draw, build stuff.
Causeway can be an annoyance too, long queues on certain weekdays and nights... My record is 2 hours on the causeway. Still, it is more exciting than crossing the English Channel on a boat in a bad weather. Good old bridge, which links Bahrain to the "mainland".

Casper

Meet Casper, the cat.

Prayer for you

This is a paradise. Just a day or two there is enough to rejuvenate and recharge- this is the Ritz-Carlton in Bahrain.
I am updating my cancer group page in facebook- join in; it is called Cancer Survivors- Celebrate Life!!

Beauty

Rescue Me

Quiet Day

Do you ever wonder how your life will be a year from now?
Will you be sitting on the same chair typing the same message, will you be more grateful of what you have then?
Questions that need to be answered- but the answers may arrive next year. Maybe never. This year, this time, right now I am watching my cat Casper sleeping, so comfortable, so much at ease. On TV there is a movie called “Vacancy”. In the magazine in front of me there is an article about Lara Flynn Boyle and her weight loss.. She’s very much like a skeleton, part of admires her, professional part of me think “hmmmm.. Did she go to far..?” and the rest of me thinks it’s her life after all. One is fat, another one just about normal (and what is “normal” then..?!?), and the third one doesn’t really care at all. And then there are people, who just live their life and accept themselves as they are.
We never know when exactly all this will end. Is there a life after this one, or something even better..? Will I spend the rest of my days with the one I love?
Can he answer these questions for me? Why is it so complicated at times? Life is like a flow of a river, show goes on, water flows, time runs out.
I am incredibly grateful of the things I have today; my life, my health, my family and friends, and this guy I love. And The Cat..

This is life

One of those days..

"We are on this planet to love each other, to serve each other and to uplift each other. We have come to this earth to give, not to take. Give and you willbe given virtues. And that will give you God."

- Yogi Bhajan

Look into the eyes of my dog and tell me what you see. Wisdom, compassion, kindness, innnocence, happiness? This picture brings hope, when I have had one of those days at work or elsewhere in life.. One of those days when I've not felt so happy, uplifted, inspired.. Tomorrow will come. Love will come.

Work is the worst

Can't stand this. Work is shit, especially today. Most often I am grateful I have work, I am employed by someone, work gives my days structure and an opportunity for socializing. Work is usually ok. No brilliant, not highlight of my day, but bearable. Today wasn't so. In fact last two days have been frustrating and there are few people getting on my nerves, seriously.
Example: take a sucessful lawyer, who has been in the same job for years and years. Or a cook, who has been preparing the same pork chops and mashed potatoes and chocolate mousse for years and years. Then go to them and start telling them how to do there job. Don't put salt in there, not that much. Don't burn the food. Don't do this, don't do that, now you've spoiled the whole dish by adding too much butter into the mashed potatoes.
Don't put too much sugar into mousse. Don't serve it like that, what are you thinking, who'd wanna touch that now..?!?
What would the cook say? F.. off, leave me in peace and don't tell me what to do.
Lawyer? Don't present the case like that of this criminal will never be sentenced? Overruled. The jury will never believe you and your closing argument, this creep will walk free ... What did ya just do, asked all the wrong questions? You didn't prepare well for this case. You lost, loser!!!

In my job- I thought I was quite capable, quite skilled, even talented, but it seems IMPOSSIBLE to be talented or use your skills in nursing. No other profession treats one another like this. I feel like a loser today, feel like a newly graduated totally junior inexperienced novice- can't even push the patient's bed into the right position, can't feed a patient in a right way, can't draw up drugs. Can't, don't, won't, shouldn't, wouldn't. What a load of crap.

Here today, gone tomorrow.
One day I work in my own area, my own little kingdom and feel like king of a castle. Another day I am being thrown into a new unit, where my skills and qualifications don't mean shit to anyone. This is so tiring, so irritating. And I do feel abused too, good enough for pushing beds around (yeah that is when I can do it in a CORRECT way), turning patients, fetching this and that and whatever. Yeah whatever, I don't give a shit either. I care about my patients, they are not to be blamed, but good old colleagues- this happens all over the world- is it jealousy, do they think of me a threat..? Do they really this I am useless, good enough to be abused, disliked?
Not everyone is the same, there are some with a good heart.. but those bad ones give this profession a real bad name and I hate days like this.

Dedicated to the one I love

You are the one, you are perfect, you are kind. Easy to talk to. Fun. Compassionate. Friend I needed, lover I wanted. My life. One day, i hope we can travel, be who we are, be ourselves, have fun, spend time together. Let's go and see this landscape for real. Let's go to the Maldives, go diving. To the beach, relax in the sun. Feel the sun, like we feel the love that surrounds us. To Iceland, let me teach you how to ride Iceland horses and ponies. To the wilderness of Montana, and to the winter wonderland in Alaska. Climb each and every mountain, never give up on each other, never forget where we met. Stay with me. i love you forever.

Reading my mind

Try reading my mind today and all you see is white noise.
"Salvation does not come from the sight of me. It demands strenous effort and practice so work hard and seek for your own salvation constantly".
- Buddha

Trying to read his mind too, is impossible. Sometimes I sense some of his thoughts, fleeting disappearing moment, then they are gone. Faster than the speed of light. So many questions need to be answered- just one question granted, what would it be? There are so many. Millions of questions, thousands of words to say. Loving someone else, saying the words I love you and .. that's it.
When I once fell in love before, seems like ages ago now, in the Jurassic era or something.. I did not hesitate saying it, the words i love you. It took Him three months more to say those words and by then I had realized it was no love, it was lust, obsession, addiction, prostitution. No love there, no room for love. This time it was Him, another one, new one, who said the words. At first as a text message (I love this modern technology!), on the following day on the phone (safe distance away, this marvellous technology..) and then face to face.
This man, he is an angel. Gorgeous, beautiful human being. Kind, compassionate. Peaceful, smiling disposition, great wicked fun sense of humor. He is perfect- in my eyes, in my mind. The words I love you.. Yes, I learned them too in 11 different languages, but only one is enough for us. Je t'aime, te quiero, ich liebe dich, i love you.
Where is he now? In my heart, and he will stay there forever.
I am very very grateful for all the opportunities in the past, when I was given a chance to learn. And for this one precious chance to learn how to love.

Walk in the God's country

Early this morning I awoke at 3am, partly because something was worrying me, and partly because numerous night shifts messed up my schedule. It was still dark outside, slightly humid- and it felt so inviting, velvety darkness, soft, like chocolate mousse. I left the usual stuff, iPod, cellphone home- took a bottle of water and an open mind with me. How does the world wake up? The birds, sunrise, eerie stillness, no sounds, no sights, no smells- until it all awakens and the mystery of darkness reveals its secrets. One moment it was dark, next moment little less dark and I began to see the forms of variety of plants, flowers, palmtrees. The sky was opening, so blue, so vast, so open. Magic in the air. On my way back it was all clear, sun was rising, sky was light blue, birds were watching me. A man was walking four gorgeous golden retrievers, one woman was on her regular morning run. No cars, no noise- and I was glad I had left iPod home. There is already too much noise in this world.

It was truly a walk in the God's country; quiet, peaceful. My mind was less noisy and active too- it was a walking meditation for me. Not just a mindless exercise, not a boring chore. Breathwalk.

In Love

Few weeks ago I was still guessing could I possibly be in love.
No more guesses: I am in love. Falling in love, not exactly when one expects it, it just happens. But the feeling is great, like a walk in the clouds.

Off the grid

It is the time to take a break, take a vacation, disappear.. I'm off for a while, computer crashed, windows vista on strike, and I am about to say Adios windows and Ahlan Wasahlan Mac! New system, new rules, new learning process. Had enough of windows's bad behavior, frequent crashes, losing my files and photos and beign stranded at home without an internet access, that's the end of it. Nothing wrong with the computer itself, but the WINDOWS, aaarrrgggghhhhhhhh. Angry!!!
I am at the library, no access to the facebook, the company (wisely may I add) has blocked the access, well, this may be the break I need to quit facebook addiction, quit all of the addictions same time- why not, it wouldn't be so bad.

Any updates? Yes and no. Could I be in love? Is it just something else or just love... Only love, plain love, obsession, all about sex and money and material stuff? If I don't know, who would know then? It can't be love.. can't be. Just something else, but even this way it's just fine. Life goes on, the show must go on too.

How did you know I was here?

"Who will be the happiest person?
The one who brings happiness to others."
- Swami Satchidananda

I have recently read Yogi Bhajan's lectures, they are opening and revealing themselves in a very unique way, different than before, maybe I am also more open to their message. Check out the 3HO website for more..
During some quiet moments at nights there is time to search for information in the internet- and no, I am not talking about yahoo games (they are fun too, sometimes), but: raw food diet, how to make ice cream, Fab 5 (AKA Queer Eye), what is radiosurgery, "If a dog was a teacher...", when does a person officially become old, Sioux indians, Jivamukti yoga, Youtube videos- especially Sonny J's Handsfree, it is brilliant..
A lot of stuff out there in cyberspace.
The only things that actually make sense are the teachings of the dog:
"When loved ones come home, always run to greet them".

Loved one is not a house invader; gecko, who was examining my plants this morning and when I was watering the plants, it ran away. Got a feeling it is still inside the house, tiny baby gecko, but it isn't welcome here. Call the pest control? I may need to if the creature still shows his/her face.

Nebulizers (pulmicort and albuterol) the other night made my hands so shaky I could barely write, but it was vital to take them- my breathing has not improved much, throat still a bit sore. I am not a smoker, in fact I am very very much anti-smoking and avoid all places and street corners where someone's lighting up- but the heat (well above 100 F in summer), humidity and shamals (sandstorms) bring along their share of challenges. Breathing challenges..

Lights are on, no one home

Sand,sand and sand everywhere. Sore throat, cough, yet another episode of bronchitis, headache, loss of appetite.. yes, it is here to stay even though I thought I was already immune to it: pneumonia. Is the culprit sand or something else? From one continent to another, in a confined space for more than seven hours, surely that explains it all? Flying is fun, especially in a presence of friendly fun good looking cabin crew. Yes Sir, this was my fun-filled flight yesterday from London to Bahrain.
Some passengers with snotty noses coughing and sneezing.
Back to the desert. I wonder what tomorrow brings..

"Luck only favors fools. Wise men don't seek favors."
- Yogi Bhajan

Wise man

Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
- Dalai Lama

On Fire

December 2007
My journey began from Houslow, western part of London, even Middlesex, towards to London West End. The Golden Compass movie was on and me and Sophia wanted to see it. It all began by choosing the wrong bus. It took ages, stopped at each and every bus stop, and finally ended, say 50 minutes later close to Hounlow bus station. Where next? I turned right, then left, walked half a mile or so, until I saw a bus stop, where I could probably catch a bus.. By then I was already late, so cellphone out of the bag, rang Sophia and said no chance of getting there in time. Next bus.. whenever. I thought I was kind of lost too, railway station somewhere nearby, no sign of the tube station.. Next bus to Shepherds Bush. Ok, will do.
Another 45 minutes of travel, until the bus reached Shepherds Bush, and change of plans. Instead of movie, we decided to have some lunch so we headed to an Italian restaurant. Very cosy, plants, small tables,sensuous, delicious food, friendly service. Christmas just around the corner so the decorations were all out and candles really brightened up this early rainy afternoon. Thinking about what we usually do at a restaurant, that's what we too did; sat down, scanned the menu, hang the overcoat, have a chat over a glass of wine.. Except that my coat was hanging on the back of my chair, it fell on the floor once or twice, never mind. More wine, soup, main course. Delicious. Just before the dessert arrived, I felt something strange behind my back. Mmmmm, hot water bottle..? It got hotter and the sensation was accompanied by a smell! What is going on???!! I turned around, saw my coat catching the fire- there was a candle on the floor behind me. Frantic attempts folllowed, to put out the fire, the coat was ruined, it was certainly ready to be wasted. We thought fire brigade would soon arrive, but seemingly none of the waiters saw what happened - we did not feel it was necessary to tell them either. Desserts were eaten in a rush, and we made a hasty exit. Restroom nearby became the final resting place for the remains of my coat, unfortunately the wetaher was so cold that I had to find something else to wear and ended up buying an expensive cardigan.

Now, more than 6 months later I could say it was a lucky escape. Did anyone else witness this? I don't know, and don't really care, but I won't be eating at the same restaurant, ever again. Not that there was anything to complain, food was delicious, service too.
Lucky escape indeed.

Luxury Living part II

In one of the previous photos I posted yesterday, is the luxury yacht Pelorus,115 meters long, owned by Roman Abramovich, the Russian millionaire, owner of the Chelsea FC in England.
How would it really feel to sail in a yacht like this? Once in a lifetime experience? Swimming pools, luxury linen, helicopter landing, even missiles.. Once in a lifetime experience for sure to see this yacht in Helsinki harbor.
But what would one do with all this money? It will not follow you to the grave or cremation for sure, of course it can be helpful for the new generations. How many luxury items can one own in a lifetime?
What is considered luxury? William Blake's poetry, sweet smelling soap, shopping at Harrods, driving a Lexus, eating Haägen Dasz ice cream, as opposed to the supermarket own brand... All this and more..
Liberating?


I would not dream of letting you down. You are in my thoughts and prayers each and every day, safe journey !

Luxury living

Secret Garden

To London and back

Compare this scene and the previous one.. I am undecided.. Back to.. where?

This must be one of the most beautiful scenes in Finnish summer. Lots of beautiful landscapes around the world, but this one is extraordinary.
I became a sponsor for an 8 year old boy in Kenya, received his photo and he looks cute! This is something I always wanted to do, but kept postponing it thinking I've got nothing to give to these kids, but actually I do! I'd encourage anyone to give it a go, it can be so rewarding and I am definitely going to try and meet this kid one day, God willing.
Teeth!!!! The big issue, that scared me to near-death, but there were NO cavities. I'm sure the dental hygienist was doing her work in a perfect manner, better safe than sorry, but I could't help wondering what if.. The dentist Piret then had a thorough look, said she can't find a cavity, which was just great, I jumped off the dentist's chair, jumped for joy, I don't think they've ever seen a performance quite like mine. Went shopping then and bought myself a sleeping bag, something I've always needed and wanted. Such a great reward.

Simple things

"Be strong and learn to say the words I love you".
- Chris de Burgh&Arian Band: Nori Ta Abadiat (Dostet Daram)- The Words I Love You

More than this?

I said good-bye to my friend in my dream. At the airport; queues were long, I barely made it to the aircraft in time, and my ex-friend was chatting away and did not even notice me. So I left, took my luggage and my life and said good-bye in the dream. She stays, I go and we'll never meet again.

Love, what is love actually? Some of it disclosed, some of it shown. Genuine love, perfect love, tender and loving love? Loving me, loving you. And I truly do, but you just stand there and pretend (hah so unsuccessfully) not to notice.

It is vital to get some fresh air each and every day. Prevent headache, stress, whatever.. They say sex too is a kind of a breath of fresh air- I guess if you go out in the garden...? I remember reading "if you want to be sexy then drink pepsi" from somewhere.. the answer seems obvious..

For a change, my head feels empty, the thoughts they are there all right, but it is a quite a challenge to catch them. I feel like maybe possibly I've come to a point in life, where I don't give a shit, simply don't care. There is so much more in life, than just going to bed in the evening (sigh.. is it never gonna get better..).. Every day can be an adventure. It may be full of love, one falls in love, falls out of love, laughs, cries, walks, runs and stops. Goes out shopping or stays home and saves the money. It's in your hands.
Just because my head's empty, I can write this. That vicious circle of work, eat and sleep begins as soon as I return to the desert kingdom.. unless this is a mission I choose NOT to accept. There is always an option not to stay.

I ain't extraordinary, I'm just special.
- Sat Atma Kaur

From the Dentist's Chair Part II

Finnish newspaper Helsingin sanomat publishes "Nyt-liite" every Friday, kind of an extra magazine with TV programs, movie info and some funny stories. Just after the day of my own agonizing visit to the evil dentist's cave, someone posed the same question: Why are people afraid of a dentist?
The answer is more funny than anything else, makes one wonder if it really is such a bad experience, worth being scared of? According to "Nyt", the answer is this: "The dentists office is much like a torture chamber from the Middle Age, and the equipment that is being used is just a powered version of old times' torture equipment. The dentist always tells you dental care has been neglected, you've eaten too much sweet stuff and have not brushed often enough. Talking about flossing, you've not done it either.

Shortly after your mouth will be filled by several items, such as forceps, gauze, suction, drills, needles.. Can't swallow, can't shout for help, it's too full and congested there."

Aaahhh this is so inspiring, I almost cried had it not been so funny.
Reluctanly I'll go for my appointment next week.. and hope for the best, fingers crossed.

Samma på svenska... ja, lite senare, vänta här, var så vänlig.
Sama suomeksi... joo, vähän myöhemmin, odottele.

From the dentist's chair

Greetings earthling. Are you afraid of a dentist?
Whilst I was on The Chair, many things went through my mind; I can't find my keys. I'm in love, or out of love. I go tomorrow, or maybe not. The sun is shining. I'm feeling tired.
Then finally relaxing silence, which lasted less than a minute, the dental hygienist was back on track and administered the final torture. Why do they ask questions, when you've mouth full of suction tubes, instruments and are about to choke on mixture of saliva and blood? When you try your best to say "I'm just fine here, enjoying my time", they still ask "What, I didn't hear what you said".
I heard it loud and clear- the hygienist is not very happy that I've not been to dentist since 2003, and that there MAY be a cavity. One cavity. Maybe. It wouldn't be so bad, but I've not had cavities, fillings or in general anything wrong with my teeth during this entire time I've spent on the earth. Some tartar yes, but so does my dog, his canine teeth are fast turning into green vampire teeth and this time next year the doggie can visit dental clinic for denture fitting. I don't intend this to so far, my teeth will receive all the help they can get.
Drilling.. I thought that's what they do on oil rigs only. Suctioning.. only for the intubated patients in ICU. Filling.. Possibly when you have to fill in something, not talking about filling cavities.
The answer is yes, I am afraid of a dentist, even if she looks blond and beautiful and innocent. And she does indeed, I already had the pleasure of meeting her. Gimme all you got, sedatives, Valium, general anesthesia.
The next step is x-rays of the affected tooth, then the treatment plan can be developed. But I ain't going there without a sedative, that's for sure.

Living like normal

Between rock and a hard place. In fact, nothing happened just yet, but when I saw my oncologist today, he asked me to come visit the general hospital tomorrow. Does this make me nervous/upset/scared? or all of the above? Yes, after all I've been through, it surely makes me uncomfortable. Once again, the guilt level rises and this small voice asks me am I not better off than someone who has an incurable dis-ease, be it cancer, heart failure, trauma.. Then multitude of questions start running through my mind, first one is Why me? Did I not love myself, was I too angry, did I eat something unhealthy, did I not look after myself, why cancer, why me? And most importantly; will it come back?
I guess there are no guarantees in this life, apart from death and taxes- and one may be able to avoid taxes too, somehow. But death, no.
By avoiding hospital, health centers, men in white coats, I can pretend it is all over, but I am just cheating myself- sometimes successfully and I manage to take one or two days off from being cancer patient. So tomorrow's visit to the hospital will hopefully be fruitful and produce some positive results. I am hoping to get medication called recombinant TSH (not sure in what form it will be; injection, tablet, liquid..?), this one is a fighter against fatigue, hair loss, weight gain, memory problems that being off Thyroxin would cause. Not necessarily all these symptoms, but I'd need to be off Thyroxin for 4 weeks prior to thyroid scan and possible radioactive iodine treatment.
I say "possible", because I've not yet made up my mind about any further treatment. According to the oncologist, I have an excellent prognosis, assuming I remain compliant with the treatment plan.
I've lost count how many times I've felt like throwing this treatment plan into a garbage bin, setting it on fire. Treatment garbage, treatment sucks, treatment is shit, whatever my doc suggested me one time, I said NO, NO and NO. Had enough, give me a break. Imagine sending cancer itself into a shredder or shoot it with a Kalashnikov.
But if I could somehoe find the courage to go to hospital tomorrow, just this once..

Pain

This is just a pain in the back after having a bad night sleep in what must be one of the most uncomfortable sofa beds in the world. Aaargh. It took time and effort to roll of the bed in the morning and right away I knew it was Tylenol time- and as promised magic T relieved the pain pretty fast. It was nowhere near the worst pain in the world and my pain threshold is high, much higher than few years ago. Worst kind of pain, one of them, must be eye pain. No way you can scratch or massage an eye, would this even relieve the pain? Writing from experience, I had laser eye treatment in 1997, successful I might add, and managed to ditch both contact lenses and eyeglasses, so it was definitely worth it. Well I miss my colored contact lenses but overall am very happy contact lenses belong to the past. After the treatment I went home, woke up following night with incredible eye pain!! Frantic search for painkillers, half an hour later the pain was still there, painkillers made me throw up too. I was finally forced to peel off the dressings and eye patch and did my best with painkiller eyedrops. After the second attempt (imagine doing this in the middle of the night, in the darkness, bright lights simply worsening the pain.. red painful weepy eye, exactly where you are supposed to "drop" the eyedrops..) I think one or two drops hit the eye, relief was almost instant, aaahhh. Eye dressing back on, back to bed.. 2-3 days later I took the dressing off and to my surprise I could SEE! Albeit with just one eye, but it was a miracle. My left eye was operated three months later and I was little better prepared and suffered no pain whatsoever. These days my eyesight is nearly perfect 20/20, so it was worth the investment.
Sure, there are many more types of pain in this world, we all experience it in a different way.. bone pain, headache, toothache, pain caused by heart attack.. yes, many of them worse than my eye pain more than 10 years ago...

Fortress in Hofuf

Brighter moments

From one continent to another.. Miracles of modern travel. It never ceases to amaze me how well and in comfort we all travel; instead opting for a seven week trek on a camel, an aircraft takes us from A to B, in my case it took less than 7 hours to fly from Bahrain to London. Then on arrival, I thought what have I done, I don't belong here. Luckily this is just my vacation, thanks be to God, and not a long term plan. What I like in London is shopping. Number one materialistic thing, but that's just the way it is. The parks, London Zoo; Kew Gardens- I like them too. What I don't like are the rush hour, crowded trains and buses.. and I 'm not looking forward to the London olympics either. Blessing in disguise, I left London, thought it would not be for good, but it may well be.

Funny incidents in London: rang my friend, who had forgotten I was coming. Rang him several times, sent text messages, finally gave up. Half an hour later he calls- from abroad asking where I am. Our paths crossed again, it has been five years since I've seen him.. Are we meant to meet again, for a cup of Arabic coffee and dates? Our paths crossed at the airport, different terminals, different days, same country. Bad timing.
Every time I read a local newspaper or was watching TV, there was always something that made me giggle. Previously I've never found it so amusing- why all of a sudden now..?
Walking in Soho, towards Soho Square and to the restaurant adjacent to Hare Krishna temple. Somehow thinking that the door is open, why.. amd I walk straight onto the door, banging my nose and forehead. I am almost too embarrassed to walk in to the restaurant, but feeling of hunger wins and the propect of having yummy vegetarian food is hard to resist.

The best of all news: I seem to have conquered cancer! No trace of it anywhere in my body and I feel hmmmm.... different. New. Brand new, detoxified, clean.. the list goes on, but I simply feel good and relaxed about everything now. Paid off all that bad karma?


Thinking of you

Days, months, years have passed
But I have not forgotten
More seconds, minutes, hours pass
I still remember

Incredibly easy to look into your eyes
and fall in love with you
An enormous task to forget you
It ain't easy

Keeping my feet on the ground
Watching the world go by
Awareness and knowledge of you somewhere in my mind
I won't forget.

What are you really thinking?

real stuff

The sun rises once again, and soon the day becomes unpleasantly hot and humid. I get up early- at 0730hrs, considering I had a pretty dreadful day at work previous day, incredibly busy, on my feet most of the day. So.. I run to the car, air-conditioning is a blessing in this sauna-like weather. Drive to the supermarket and back, it was fast and uneventful, couldn't remember what exactly I needed to buy so I buy a bit of everything. Fresh mint, bananas, salad, cheese, dates, newspaper. And yeah, "dates", those that can be eaten, not the chocolate coated ones, but the very fresh yummy ones from Madinah. "Dates"- not those, when I go out for a dinner with someone.

There's plenty to do today, but somehow I can't be bothered to concentrate on just one chore. Multi-tasking works too! More and more stuff still keeps piling up, regardless of how much clearing and cleaning I do.

Most of all I am looking forward to a month long vacation, but would still like to leave my house in habitable condition; for all the ants and spiders :) My neighbor kindly promised to look after my garden and plants.

This is one of the days I realize something has changed, but as always I cannot put my finger on what it is. I've come close before, kind of being able to understand the real meaning of life- most often right after meditation, inches and inches closer, but.. nothing. It is futile at the time, but the feeling of being blessed stays in me for a long time.

The caves.. They are almost magical, rising from the desert, from the sand, from the nothingness.